


an angel without wings

by Cashay



Series: the wings to fly [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (made up) genetic defect, Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angels, Angels are known & part of society, Depression, M/M, Mpreg, POV Adam Milligan, POV character is triggered, PTSD, Past Torture, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, mentions of past canonical character death, past trauma, traumatized!Adam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-21
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:18:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cashay/pseuds/Cashay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When his ex-lover Gabriel shows up on Adam's doorstep claiming to be pregnant, Adam has to put aside personal feelings to help out the angel. But Adam's past is still haunting him and Gabriel has secrets of his own, will they be able to mend what is broken and create a future for themself and their baby?</p><p> </p><p>  <b>This story is part of a verse set in a world where angels and humans exist together, all stories of the <i>the wings to fly</i> can be read independently!</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	an angel without wings

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with serious trauma and different psychological issues. It's not a dark!fic but it's not always an easy read so please heed the warnings!
> 
>  
> 
> **  
> [Art Masterpost](http://acme-graphics.livejournal.com/40200.html)  
> **

Adam opened the door with an annoyed scowl, who the hell was abusing his doorbell at what felt like the middle of the night? Okay honestly it was probably more like eleven but it was dark so the point still stood. In front of the door stood a small guy with brown floppy hair and an annoying grin Adam remembered all too well.

“Gabriel,” he stated coldly, contemplating just closing the door in the man’s face.

“Adam my friend, it’s good to see you again.” Gabriel beamed in his usual hyperactive way though Adam noticed that something was... off.

“Can’t really say the same,” Adam snapped, deciding that yes he could close the door in Gabriel’s face.

Before he had managed to shove the door in Gabriel’s face the other man had put a foot in its way and a hand had flown forward, prying the door back open with far too much ease for such a small person.

“I’m pregnant, Adam.”

For a moment Adam’s heart stopped and then he laughed, weak and angry. He knew by now that Gabriel was an asshole but he never ceased to amaze him.

“Very funny now fuck off, Gabriel or I call the cops.” Adam really wasn’t past that, he didn’t want to have anything to do with Gabriel anymore, not after the way the older man had treated him. He knew he had been an idiot too, falling for all the sweet lies but that didn’t excuse Gabriel's behavior.

“I am really pregnant.”

Gabriel was still holding the door open, despite Adam’s best efforts in getting it closed. It should be impossible for the smaller man to be so fucking strong but apparently, Adam had to put more effort into his workout.

“You can’t be pregnant.”

Gabriel snorted and shrugged, now leaning against the doorway and still holding the door open as if on an afterthought.  
“I am an angel. Of course I can be pregnant.”

Adam looked at him disbelievingly. That Gabriel had the nerves to show up here and lie so blatantly in his face, telling him he was pregnant and that he was an angel after everything he had already done was more than Adam could stomach.  
Without thinking, Adam took the swing at Gabriel that he had wanted to take since the day he had woken up alone in bed. But his fist never made contact with Gabriel’s face, instead the older man suddenly held his wrist and pulled Adam close by it.

“I’m an angel,” he repeated, growling the words in Adam’s ear.

As if to prove it he pulled Adam even closer, nosing his throat. Adam didn’t even think about it, he just pulled up his knee in the instinctive need to get Gabriel away from him and hurt the other man as much as possible.

But again Gabriel was faster and before Adam had the chance to hurt the most sensitive part of any angel or human Gabriel had pinned Adam against the wall just inside the door, a low growl emitting from his throat, his face still pressed against Adam’s neck.  
“Do you believe me now or do you want me to show you some more all the wonderful things I can do to you?” Gabriel asked, his voice dangerously low.

“But... you don’t have wings,” Adam stammered, stunned and not really sure how to react to what didn't seem like such an outrageous lie anymore.

“Wings don’t make an angel and not having them doesn’t make me human, kiddo.”

Adam tensed when Gabriel called him that, it was what he had called him... before and Adam really didn’t want to be reminded of that. He just gulped, trying to force down the fear that was rising like bile in his throat.

If this was true and Gabriel was really an angel, it meant that he could do anything to Adam if he decided that the human deserved it. Thankfully they were past the times were he wouldn't have been persecuted but it was questionable if that would be of any use to Adam.

“I have a genetic mutation that stopped me from developing wings but at the same time seems to have enhanced the rest of my abilities.”

Adam wondered for a moment when they had come back to rational talking but he wasn’t going to question it – too much – it made it less likely that Gabriel was going to rip him open and decorate the house with Adam’s intestines.  
“And you’re pregnant?” Adam asked, just to be sure, the whole conversation seemed to have drifted in some kind of twilight zone rather quickly.

Things had moved from crap to worse rapidly in the last few minutes and he really hoped that Gabriel would start laughing and teasing him for being so stupid in a moment because he had never wanted to be a dad, at least not that young, not before he had even finished university. And certainly not when he was such a mess.

“Yes, kiddo, I’m pregnant. And before you have another epic angst fest, I’m sure it is from you.”

Adam just shook his head, despite the fact that Gabriel’s mouth was still dangerously close to his throat, a point that had always been very arousing for Adam. And this was a thought process he didn't want to ever have again when Gabriel was involved.  
“I want proof,” he told the angel sternly.

“What?” Gabriel snapped, somehow managing to sound annoyed and surprised at the same time.

“I want a paternity test. We fucked once and I’m not gonna rely on anything you say, Gabriel.”

If Gabriel didn’t have Adam pinned against the wall he would have punched the smirk that surfaced from Gabriel’s face. He hated this guy so incredibly much.

“Technically we fucked three times, don’t you remember? The first time I....”

“Shut up!” Adam growled, close to headbutting Gabriel because he was pretty much out of options and didn’t want to remember that one amazing, horrible night they shared ever again. “You get this test and you pay it, afterwards we can talk again.”

  


A couple of days later a guy showed up at Adam’s doorstep, politely asking for a saliva sample for a paternity test which was paid for by a Mr. Enzeru. How much Gabriel must have paid to get them to come to his home to get the sample Adam didn't even want to know.

Adam gladly gave his spit so in a few days he would hear that he wasn’t the father because how could he? Even if you took it apart like Gabriel had been insistent to do the other day Adam had fucked Gabriel only two times and there was no way he had gotten him pregnant, though he wasn’t so sure anymore if they had used a condom the second time or not.

Damn Gabriel and the effect he used to have on Adam, still had or Adam wouldn’t be so adamant to have no contact with him. He knew if he spent too much time with Gabriel, the older man – no angel – would somehow trick him into doing something stupid, again.

He just wanted him out of his life once and for all. Not so long ago he had adored Gabriel, had counted him as one of his closest friends, someone he could trust and rely on. But Gabriel had screwed up and Adam had been too hurt – was still too hurt – to even consider forgiving him. Not that Gabriel had shown his face again after leaving in the middle of the night. Gabriel had this way of looking at him, of making him feel special that made it just so hard to stay angry, or at least it had been like this before and somehow Adam doubted that it would be all that different now.

He wondered how he had never noticed that Gabriel was an angel. Okay, maybe the lack of giant wings had helped with that oversight but he should have at least seen that Gabriel was different. Stronger, had better hearing, some kind of clue must have been there.  
But Gabriel didn’t behave like an angel either; angels were aloof and looked at humans like they were something below them. And they certainly didn’t allow humans to fuck them.

Despite the fact that the old conflict between angels and humans had been settled a few hundred years ago and the societies had started to merge angels still viewed humans as something below them. If you asked Adam, it was a miracle that the angels hadn’t wiped the humans out. They were much stronger, with more advanced senses and their wings gave them another advantage.

But angels were stuck in their routine and in their traditions, change wasn’t welcomed or helped along whereas the human race had learned to adapt and change in order to not end up extinct. Until in the end all their technology had made them strong enemies against the angels, leaving both societies forced to learn to life together or face destruction in a war that would have probably ended up with the fall of both humans and angels.

Gabriel in any case, was as far away from a normal angel as you got. He was loud and nosy, making inappropriate jokes every five seconds. He ate far too much sugar and didn’t really care if he looked groomed or not. There was no doubt that he was a nice guy to be around – if you liked being teased mercilessly for the whole time and being the center of countless pranks – but he was in no case what you would view as a proper angel.

It didn’t matter anyway because as soon as the results would be back, telling Adam that he wasn’t the father, he would never have to see Gabriel again. It would take time to forget him again, just as it had taken time to forget him the first time but Adam wouldn’t let him ruin his life again.

When the phone call came a couple of days later Adam had just come home from work, ready to fall into his bed and sleep for the few hours he had until Uni started.

“Mr. Milligan, this is the office of Doctor Jerome we would like to discuss the results of your paternity test with you personally, would you be able to come in tomorrow at 1PM?”

Needless to say, Adam didn’t get any sleep that night.

He had never before skipped any classes, not since he had laid his eyes on becoming a doctor but he found that finding out if he got someone pregnant was a valid excuse for not showing up to Microbiology.

Standing in front of the doctor’s office Adam found himself fidgeting with the lock of his bike, his hands shaking so hard he had already dropped the key three times. He was tempted to just leave the bike unlocked but he didn’t have the money that it would take to buy a new one if it got stolen.

When suddenly someone grabbed the key, Adam was so startled he was already halfway to punching the person before he got himself under control. When he realized that it was Gabriel who was currently locking his bike for him, he found himself contemplating if punching wasn’t the right thing to do after all.

“Nervous, kiddo?” Gabriel teased but his voice sounded off.

“Fuck you, Gabriel,” Adam snapped without much heat behind it, he was too nauseous to fight.

Before Gabriel could make another witty comment Adam had grabbed his bag and strode into the door and up the stairs of the opulent glass building that were home to the office of Doctor Jerome.  
Adam could hear Gabriel on his heels but he didn’t stop for the other man – no angel! - to catch up but instead tried to walk even faster without falling into a run. He just wanted to hear that he wasn’t the father and walk out again, he didn’t want to have anything to do with Gabriel anymore.

He climbed the stairs, hearing Gabriel behind him doing the same, completely ignoring the elevator. He was too nervous to stand still for the time it would take the elevator to arrive and then take him up.  
Adam wasn’t sure if Gabriel was nervous as well or just wanted to annoy him. The part of him that was still hurt and bleeding told him that Gabriel was just trying to make his life miserable but his rational part leaned towards the fact that Gabriel was pregnant and probably just as nervous as he was, he didn't feel very sorry for him either way, at least he knew what his involvement in the whole thing was.

Only stopping when he reached the reception Adam tried his best to ignore his clenching guts and instead be charming like his half-brother Dean always managed to be, no matter what he was doing or what the situation.  
He failed miserably if the sympathetic look the receptionist gave him was any indication. Adam wasn’t sure if she pitied him for being so nervous or maybe for being human, or maybe for having gotten someone like Gabriel pregnant. Maybe it were all three.

Only after he had waltzed in there and spoken with the receptionist who assured him that he would be asked in in a few minutes he realized that this was a doctor's office for angels, or to be more specific, male angels.  
Immediately Adam felt out of place, which really didn’t help his nervousness at all. For a moment, he contemplated standing there and pacing but he knew better than that, already the few other waiting patients were eying him and Gabriel warily, they didn’t fit in here.

Gabriel seemed like he couldn’t give a shit about what the angels thought about his presence and for once since he and Gabriel had gotten friends Adam couldn’t tell if it was just a facade or if Gabriel really was so indifferent to people's opinions about him.

Adam wasn’t that good at concealing his emotions, or to be correct he sucked at it. He didn’t want to sit down but he had to if he didn’t want to stand out even more – if that was possible, after all missing a giant pair of wings was a pretty crass way to stand out – and he really couldn’t deal with even more stares right now.

He sat down as far from Gabriel as he could, ignoring how the angel looked almost hurt and instead pulling a schoolbook from his bag, not that he could concentrate at all on the details of atomic structures but at least the book gave him something to stare at.  
It was hard to keep his hands and legs still, he wanted to fidget so hard he could feel his head starting to hurt with the effort it took him to stay still and not attract any more attention.

“Mr. Milligan, Mr. Enzeru, please proceed to office 3,” the receptionist suddenly called out and Adam nearly dropped his book in his haste to stand up. He was sure getting a book in a bag had never taken so long in the history of mankind and he could feel everyone staring at him once more, though he wasn’t sure if that was just his overactive imagination or not.

Gabriel was suddenly next to him, resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder that Adam pushed away with a snarl.

“Don’t touch me.”  
Adam was glad he had enough control left to not shout but by the looks they got the other patients had still heard him. For a moment, Adam could have sworn Gabriel looked hurt but then the moment was gone and Gabriel looked as unfazed as always.

They went into the office, both silent and in thoughts. Adam’s heart was racing in his chest, his hands were shaking and he could feel the sweat running down his neck. He was as nervous as he hadn't been in a long time and the same feeling of dread filled him that had been there when the police officer had come into his hospital room to tell him that his mother had died. It seemed to be a lifetime away.

“Please take a seat,” Dr. Jerome offered after shaking both of their hands and ignoring how sweaty and unsteady Adam’s grip was. Adam had never been more thankful for the angelic strict social code.

He sat down, but only after he had moved his chair so there was enough distance between him and Gabriel that they couldn’t touch each other anymore. Still the doctor didn’t say anything, merely raised an eyebrow before he took a look at his file.

“As I see this is your second appointment here, Mr. Enzeru, I think we should do a few follow-ups to see if the baby is growing as it should,” he commented and looked expectantly at Gabriel.

Adam cleared his throat, not happy to be ignored and at the same time included like this. He wasn’t here with Gabriel; he was here because of Gabriel.

“Could we please talk about the test first?” he asked politely, his voice betraying nothing of the clenching in his stomach or his racing heart. He had gotten very good at pretending in recent years.

Dr. Jerome looked confused but he nodded after a quick look towards Gabriel who didn’t say or do anything but somehow still seemed to be able to tell the doctor that he agreed with Adam’s wishes. Adam hated angels and their stupid ways of communicating that humans just couldn’t grasp.

“Of course, as you wish,” the angel replied politely, turning the pages in the file until he found what he was looking for.

He looked up with a small smile which was the angel equivalent to a broad one and a happy slap on the bag. Adam’s stomach dropped.

“I can assure you, Mr. Milligan that you are indeed the father of Mr. Enzeru’s child. The test offers a 99.99% probability that it is your child, this is as good as it will get.”

His stomach hit the bottom and suddenly Adam wanted nothing more than to empty his already empty stomach into the next wastebasket. But he pulled himself together, forcing a smile and shutting off his emotions as he hadn’t done in a long time. He had sworn himself not to give into the temptation and do this again but he couldn’t feel right now everything was just a bit too much and he couldn't allow himself to break down in front of Gabriel.

If he had been alone, he would have probably started hyperventilating and curled up in a corner to ignore the whole damn world for a while. He was going to be a father and he had no fucking clue what to do. He didn’t even know if he wanted it, did he want to be a father? Did he want to be part of the life of that unborn person?

But like this, with Gabriel and the doctor here he just nodded and smiled a bit more, his teeth clenching as he forced back a sob.  
He knew being a father really wasn't a bad thing but being responsible for someone else's life was the scariest thing he could imagine.

But whereas this would have been a joyous occasion under any other circumstances, like this Adam felt only dread. Even a one-night stand would have been better but Gabriel... Gabriel had broken his heart after Adam had trusted him with everything and now he was supposed to raise a child with him? Have this bastard be a part of his life for every day for the next 18 years, playing nice so that their child didn’t find out that his parents weren’t only not together but also hated each other’s guts?

Again nausea struck but he fought it down, he wouldn’t get weak here, not in front of Gabriel. He gulped the urge to vomit down and forced a tight smile to his lips, aware that it wasn’t reassuring but choosing to stay oblivious to the fact how obvious his distress probably was.

It seemed as if the doctor was waiting for an answer from him but Adam was busy just breathing and keeping the gigantic freak out under control that wanted to make him loose his composure.

“Uh... Mr. Enzeru do you want to do your check-up now then?” the doctor finally asked, even the aloof angel thrown out of his comfort zone by Adam’s behavior.

“Yes,” Gabriel replied, his eyes boring into Adam who tried his best to ignore all of them. He just wanted to get out of here and be able to let go of his tightly held control. “Do you want to see our baby, Adam?”

For a moment Adam wasn’t sure if he could hold himself together at those words, every fiber of his being wanted to get up and punch Gabriel in the face. It wasn’t ‘their’ baby. This wasn’t something wonderful that they shared. Adam had never wanted a baby, not with Gabriel, not so soon.  
He had always imagined that if he got to be a father it would be with a person he loved and he would feel happiness but instead there was only dread that turned his stomach to acid.

“No thank you, I have... I need to go.” he managed to say, a false smile on his lips as he grabbed his bag with shaking hands and hurried out of the door before anyone could say a word. He never looked back.

It was a miracle he managed to get on his bike and make it home without getting into an accident. As soon as he was in the safety of his own home he broke down crying, not sure how he was going to deal with this new reality.

The next morning there was a photo of a baby in its womb in his mailbox.

Adam didn’t hear from Gabriel for several days and he did his best not to think about him or the fact that he was pregnant with Adam’s child. Adam still didn’t have the slightest clue how he was supposed to be a father. He barely managed to get through the month himself, his student loans already piling up high and he was still forced to work a job during the evenings and the weekends just so he could afford to eat and heat the small house he was renting.

His mother had left him money and there was the life insurance but he had never touched the account, his mother was dead and no amount of money could change that.  
He couldn’t pay for a baby, he had nothing to offer, not even time. When he wasn’t busy working he was studying and when he wasn’t studying he was asleep.

His sleep was still broken by nightmares and there wasn’t a night that he didn’t wake several times screaming for all that he was worth. It had started to get better but ever since the disaster with Gabriel the nightmares were back full force and the prospect of having to care for a baby didn’t really make things better.

There was nothing he could do but carry on though and that was exactly what Adam did, not allowing himself to give up because of something that brought many people so much joy. He had been through worse, so much more worse and he would get through this like he had gotten through everything life threw at him.

Despite his fears and his worries about how he was going to care for a baby he carried the little photograph wherever he went and sometimes in the evening he sat there just staring at it like it was the most magical thing in the world. For all the fear he had of becoming a father, there was also this tiny pool of warmth in his stomach that got bigger and bigger with every day that passed.

He was going to be a _father_.

Two weeks later, Gabriel was standing in front of his door again though this time it was by far a more civil time. He looked nearly as bad as Adam felt and for a moment the human just wanted to pull him into a tight hug and promise him that everything would be okay.  
But of course, he didn’t because he couldn’t promise such a thing and because he didn’t want to promise things like that to Gabriel who he hated, no matter how ragged he looked.

“You gonna let me in?” Gabriel asked sounding wary.

“Why should I?” Adam snapped, still not ready to face Gabriel but then he would probably never be.

“Cause we need to talk and you know that. Things are going to be different, at least if you want to be part of my baby’s live.”

“Our baby,” Adam shot back without even thinking. He didn’t want to accept the fact that there was a link between him and Gabriel now but when Gabriel had called it his baby it had felt wrong in so many ways.

“So you want to be a part of it?” Gabriel asked, far to tentatively for the normal appearance of the angel.

Adam didn’t need to think about that, instead he simply nodded, a small smile on his lips. At least here he knew what he wanted for sure. He wanted to be part of the little life that was growing inside of Gabriel. It didn’t matter that he had no money and nothing to offer, he wanted this baby to be his.

“Good. That’s very good.” Gabriel’s face split into a wide grin and only now did Adam realize that he hadn’t seen Gabriel truly smile ever since he had shown up on his doorstep that one night to tell him that he was pregnant.  
Suddenly though the angel sobered up, looking at Adam with a stern expression on his face. “If that is what you want we need to figure out how to make this work.”

Adam nodded, he was well aware that things needed to change if he wanted to see his son or daughter grow up but that didn’t mean he liked it. It meant letting Gabriel inside again and that wasn’t something he could easily do. Gabriel had broken him once, he wasn’t going to let himself be broken that easily ever again.

“We should exchange phone numbers,” Adam told him, feeling his stomach clench again as he offered to give Gabriel the number that he had set up just so that Gabriel wouldn’t be able to contact him. But if he wanted to see his child play in his backyard one day, he would have to ease up on his hate for Gabriel at least enough for them to give their child a good childhood.

He noted startled that his phone number wasn’t the only one that had changed but he didn’t comment on it, not read to face how completely Gabriel had wanted him out of his life. He shouldn't have been surprised, not after weeks of Gabriel ignoring his phone calls.

“So...” he started with a shrug, not sure what else they had to discuss. He wanted Gabriel to got but he knew that this wasn’t an option because as much as he hated Gabriel, he wanted to be part of their child’s life. “What else?” he finished lamely.

“Let’s sit down,” Gabriel offered, far to gentle for being, well, Gabriel.

Adam didn’t want to let Gabriel another step into his house but he knew that was just his own bad experience speaking and Gabriel was right, they needed to talk and they needed to do it now, before the baby was there, before things got even more complicated.

“Sure,” Adam mumbled numbly, walking into the kitchen, sure that Gabriel would follow him.

He sat down on the table, not bothering to offer anything to Gabriel, even though he had grabbed a beer for himself. Gabriel could damn well get his own drink if he wanted one and if he was even so much as going to look at alcohol Adam was going to punch him.

“Okay, what do you want?” Gabriel asked him as soon as he had sat down.

“What do I want?” Adam repeated, tilting his head to the side, what the hell was Gabriel going on about now.

“Yeah, what do you want? How big a part do you want to be in his life? How often do you want to see our child?”

For the way he was saying it alone Adam would have liked to punch Gabriel but punching an angel wasn’t a good idea. Punching anyone wasn’t a good idea, at least not because they were a bit of an asshole but ever since his mother had died Adam had found himself confronted with a violent part of himself that just wanted to lash out at everyone.

“I want to be his father, asshole,” he snapped, glaring angrily at Gabriel who just shrugged.

“So what, does that mean you’ll show up every year on his birthday and to every other big event? C’mon Adam, you have to give me a bit more, we both know your father really wasn’t all that much of a role model.”

Gabriel was obviously testing him, provoking him into losing his composure even more, whatever he would get from that. But Adam had spent too many days in therapy to give into his need to beat the living crap out of Gabriel. Not that he could have done it anyway, he didn’t stand a chance against an angel.  
The burning anger might rear its ugly head but Adam had learned how to control it. It had taken time and a few pieces of Adam’s furniture but by now he could hold himself together even if there was still this need to hurt and break something.

“You know Gabriel, when I let you in I didn’t think you came to insult me,” he forced out between clenched teeth, his hands had tightened into fists where he was hiding them under the table.  
He wanted to hurt something so desperately but he wouldn’t because it would just make him feel sick, not that it was much of a difference of how he normally felt but giving into his anger usually ended with him emptying his stomach into the toilet for the rest of the night.

Gabriel just looked at him, in a sad way like Adam was somehow broken, which okay, he was but he didn’t like people looking at him like they knew, like they understood him. Because they didn’t. He had thought for a while that Gabriel would be able to understand but Gabriel had proved to be even more of a douchebag than anyone else.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Gabriel simply replied like he had just asked for the weather.

Adam glared at him but Gabriel was as aloof when it came to glares as he always was even though he was missing his usual attitude, which made the whole situation somehow even more awkward.  
“I want to be a dad, the real deal,” he answered in the end, a bit surprised when Gabriel looked pleased like this was the answer he had hoped for, which made no sense because he had been the one to run away from Adam in the first place.

“You sure you’re up to it, Adam?”

This time Adam found it harder not to just hurl something at Gabriel’s head. He wanted to hurt him so damn much but he knew he couldn’t, he knew he would hate himself if he ever actually vented his anger on another person.  
“You don’t get to ask me that,” he snapped.

Gabriel snorted, leaning back in his chair and glaring at Adam like he was the one behaving like an asshole. Which he wasn’t, and if he was he would have a pretty good reason to be because Gabriel was just... being Gabriel.

“Of course I get to ask you that, you want to be my child’s father, I need to know if I can rely on you.”

Adam snapped and actually slammed his hands down onto the table, making Gabriel flinch and look at him with wide eyes. His own beer rattled and fell over, spilling all over the table but Adam couldn’t be brought to care.

“You have no right to ask me those questions. No right at all! You ran out on me, if you wanted the right to know what I felt you shouldn’t have left. And if you think that I’m too much of a nutjob for _our_ child, you should have never come back. So go fuck yourself and your self righteous bullshit you bastard!”

Probably for the first time since Adam had met him Gabriel was silent. He just looked at Adam like a deer in the headlight would when it didn’t know which way to jump to avoid the oncoming truck. Adam gritted his teeth and turned around to leave the room when suddenly there was a hand on his arm holding him back.

He turned around with a snarl, getting right up into Gabriel’s personal space. Again Gabriel looked shocked and Adam realized that Gabriel had never seen him lose it like this. He had only been there for when he broke down in tears or had a panic attack. But he had never seen the raw, burning anger that was eating Adam from the inside. Probably because most of it had been fueled by Gabriel abandoning him.

“Adam...” Gabriel murmured, raising his hand to rest it gently on Adam’s cheek.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Adam snapped, pulling his head away and turning to leave the room once more. “You know where the door is, you have enough experience at letting yourself out.”

“You can’t just run away every time it gets complicated!” Gabriel called after him, following him down the hall instead of leaving like Adam had requested. “You think me being a bit of a dick will be the biggest problem we’re gonna have? You tell me you want to be a father but all you do is run away.”

Adam turned around again, glaring at Gabriel his hands clenched into fists. “You tell me you want me to be a father and then you just keep pushing and pushing until I snap so you can gloat and tell me how much I suck. So tell me Gabriel, what do _you_ want?”

Gabriel’s mouth snapped shut and he turned his head away, avoiding Adam’s eyes. Adam knew that he had hurt him, though how exactly he wasn't sure and he didn't really care either.

“How about a less psychotic father for my baby?” Gabriel replied with a wicked grin that Adam knew was meant to piss him off. It worked.

“Just fuck off, Gabriel,” Adam growled and hurried up the stairs, already feeling his stomach turn in a way that was all too familiar.  
He barely made it to the toilet before he threw up the few things he had managed to eat over the day, dry heaving when there was nothing more to come out. Sitting there, clutching his aching stomach Adam already dreaded the night to come, knowing that it would be filled with nightmares and spend mainly clutching the toilet because it was the only thing holding him together.

Suddenly a warm arm slid around his shoulder, pulling him against a strong chest. Someone was holding him, hugging him close and rocking him back and forth. For a moment he gave in and just rested against the warm body, his head hidden in the crook of a neck once the dry heaving had stopped.

It was wonderful, an incredible feeling to be held and to rest his head on someone’s shoulders, let go of the tight hold on himself because there was someone who would catch him. But then he realized that there was no one there to catch him, he was all alone.

“Go away, Gabriel,” he slurred and pulled away, his hands searching for the toilet so he could pull himself closer to it once more, his stomach was clenching again.  
Unlike when he had eaten something bad, this kind of vomiting left him shaking, exhausted and sometimes a bit out of touch with reality.

“C’mon Adam, let’s get you into bed,” Gabriel told him gently, trying to pull Adam to his feet but instead of complying Adam wrenched his arm free and hit Gabriel in the jaw.

It probably hurt him more than the angel but it had the effect he had hoped for, Gabriel let go of him and Adam could sack back onto the floor. He looked up at Gabriel and saw a mix of shock and anger on his face.

“Get out, Gabriel. I don’t want your help.” Adam turned away, focusing onto the toilet as his stomach clenched and unclenched. “You ran out, you don’t get to be caring. Just leave me alone it’s nothing new.”

The silence stretched on a long time but just when Adam was about to tell Gabriel to get lost for again he heard footsteps receding. Instantly he relaxed, his stomach calming down. He yelped and nearly punched Gabriel again when a blanket was draped over his shoulders and there was a glass of water and some tablets were pressed into his hands.

“Call me when you feel better, Adam. Or when you need me.”  
Gabriel gently squeezed his shoulder and walked out, leaving Adam with a whole different feeling in his stomach.

  


It took Adam nearly a week to work up the courage to call Gabriel. And even then he disconnected ten times before Gabriel had a chance to answer the phone. It would have probably continued like this if Gabriel hadn’t had enough of his phone ringing without anyone on the other line and had ended up calling Adam.

Adam had answered his phone without looking for the caller ID, not used to anyone but work and his close circle of friends having his number.

“Kiddo, either you stop the phone terror or I come and make sure every telephonic device in your house has a long and thorough bath.”

“Gabriel.” Adam gasped dumbfound, already feeling his heart going faster.

“Of course it’s me or am I not the only one you keep harassing? I’m wounded Adam, I thought we had something special.”

As Gabriel did so often with everyone around him Gabriel left Adam shocked silent. Which was even more awkward on the phone than it was when they were face to face. The easy banter reminded Adam of a time that was long gone and he didn’t want to be reminded of that though to his surprise he found that it didn’t hurt as bad as he was expecting it to.

“You... are an idiot.” was all that Adam came up with and it is kind of embarrassing but he couldn’t help it, his brain still hadn’t really caught up with what was happening.

“I think we’ve already established that fact,” Gabriel snarked back but unlike the other day this was good natured banter, not meant to hurt but merely to annoy and secretly amuse.

“Any reason you’re calling?” Adam wanted to know though he knew that he was just ignoring what Gabriel had already said to him but he felt like he needed to start this conversation again because as it was now he was pretty sure there was something he might have missed.

“Besides the fact that your inability to stay on the phone for more than ten seconds annoys the hell out of me I also need to make the next appointment for a check-up. It’s overdue but I didn’t want to go without you.”

Gabriel’s words made something warm curl up in Adam’s normally upset and churning stomach. He felt himself instantly relaxing though he didn’t even know why, especially since this was Gabriel and he would probably turn everything into a joke in the next five second.

He heard Gabriel hesitating before adding,  
“The doc told me something about doing an amniocentesis or something after you ran out last time.”

Huh, an amniocentesis made sense. The fluid taken from the womb could be used to determine an array of genetic mutations that could occur due to the difference in genes. Adam remembered reading a study about the higher likelihood of genetic defects in children of mixed heritage. Angels and humans were close enough together to produce offspring, which in turn was fertile but there were enough differences that things didn't always go smoothly.

The information that there could actually be something wrong with their baby canceled out Adam's embarrassment at being reminded that he had run out of the room.

“Uh... I am free tomorrow,” he offered after a quick glance into his calendar, still busy trying to remember everything he could about the procedure and which of his books might have more on it.  
Tomorrow was actually the only day he had off work that week. It was going to suck so hard but Adam needed to make ends meet so there was no use in complaining or fidgeting.

He knew if he asked Sam and Dean, they would help him in an instant but they didn’t have that much money themselves and he didn’t want to make them struggle harder. But most of all he didn't want to rely on anyone. He could do this on his own, there was no need to ask for money from someone, he just needed to work a bit harder and everything would be fine.

“Tomorrow it is then,” Gabriel agreed and Adam could practically hear the bright grin in his voice. Though he had no idea what he was so happy about given how big of a disaster their last meeting with the doctor had been.

“Yeah, see you there, Gabriel.”  
Adam couldn’t feel the joy that he heard in the angel’s voice. The thought of all of it was making him sick, his stomach was acting up again, and he was glad that he hadn’t eaten anything yet.

“Hey, kiddo.” Gabriel stopped him before he could hang up. “Don’t worry, it’s gonna be alright.”

And for some reason Adam’s stomach settled as if just because Gabriel had said it that would make it true, he was left feeling calmer than he had in weeks.

The next day at three Adam stood in front of the doctor’s office, feeling nervous again but calmer than he was used to. Gabriel had sent him the time via text and had proceeded to send him other random messages through the night.

Though Adam hadn’t answered any of them, he had appreciated them, they had kept him calm and how Gabriel’s stupidity managed that he had no idea. Not to mention that it shouldn’t be happening because he hated Gabriel and Gabriel didn’t want anything to do with him either, or at least this was how it was supposed to be.

Suddenly someone slung an arm around his shoulder, startling him into instinctual action. He rammed his elbow into the stomach of his attacker before he had even thought about it but Gabriel simply caught it, grinning at him like the dork he was.

“Oh crap!” Adam cursed, adrenaline still cursing through his veins as his body didn’t instantly realize that there was no threat to face and that his attacker was just a very stupid man he knew. “Gabriel, are you crazy?”

“I’ve been better,” Gabriel growled, that stupid grin still on his face. “You can’t just go around hitting people, kiddo.”

Adam snorted, glaring at Gabriel with both anger and worry and the worry only made him feel angry again, he didn’t want to worry about Gabriel, Gabriel was a giant douchebag and one of the biggest assholes that Adam had had the pleasure to meet.  
“Well, if you stop randomly hugging people, maybe people wouldn’t have beaten your three remaining brain cells to death.”

“Charming as always, Adam,” Gabriel grumbled, snaking an arm around Adam’s hip. “C’mon let’s get inside and see what hideous creature we created.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Adam grumbled but he allowed Gabriel to pull him into the building, never trying to dislodge the arm around his midriff. He knew better but right now he just couldn’t bring himself to care.

The wait had been horrible, Adam had run to the toilet two times but nothing had come out. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was well aware of the irony of the situation, Gabriel was the one pregnant but he was the one running to the toilet every ten minutes.

Gabriel was his usual jackass self, goofing around and being inappropriate. Half of the time Adam wanted to punch him but trying to keep Gabriel from embarrassing both of them and scarring half of the other patients for life also stopped him from freaking too much.

He was glad when they were called into the doctor’s office but at the same time he just wanted to turn around and run away to hide in or preferably under his bed. 

The doctor looked surprised to see him but given the way he had fled the last time Adam couldn’t really blame him for it. He smiled awkwardly and shook hands, proud of himself for not freaking out yet.

He was aware that the last time the ultrasound hadn’t exactly been necessary. Despite his giant freak outs every time Gabriel had shown up and reminded him of the baby, he had done his research and read as much about angelic and cross-species pregnancy that he could find. For once his sleepless night had actually been good for something.

For quite a while he had tried to wrap his head around why Gabriel had sent him the picture but he couldn’t find any reason that wasn’t simply far too sappy to even be considered.

After exchanging a few pleasantries that Adam would have loved to shove down the doctor’s throat, they finally came to the test that Adam both dreaded and was incredibly excited about.

“As I told you during your last appointment we’re going to do an amniocentesis today to find out if your genetic mutations and the mixed heritage have any effect on your child and to see how the human father has influenced the genes.”

Adam could feel Gabriel’s stiffen on the seat next to him and without knowing why he did it he reached out and squeezed Gabriel’s hand before holding onto it. It made his stomach settle and feel queasy at the same time. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to vomit or was actually hungry for a change.

But it actually seemed to relax Gabriel who leaned towards him and let the tension drain from his body.

He had read all he could find about test and it hadn’t sounded very pleasant even if it wasn't supposed to be painful. Adam had no idea when he had gotten so protective of Gabriel but he wanted to pull the angel behind him and sneer at the doctor for even suggesting so much as remotely hurting his... his... what?

Instantly Adam pulled his hand back and leaned away from Gabriel, he was supposed to hate the guy and not want to protect him. But he still found himself glaring at the doctor who totally didn’t deserve his borderline psychotic craziness.

“This isn’t going to hurt the baby? Or Gabriel?”

Okay, again he had no idea where the last part was actually coming from but well it was legit to worry about the father – or rather mother – of his baby if he was worrying about his baby.

“There will be no harm coming to the baby and Mr. Enzeru will receive a local anesthetic so it won’t hurt him,” the doctor explained calmly as if he had done so a million times, which he probably had.

Of course Adam knew all that, he was a fucking pre-med and had done so much research on the whole thing he could, as well, have done the procedure himself but for some reason he still felt the need to ask all those question reserved for people who had no idea about medicine whatsoever.

“I don’t need any local anesthetic,” Gabriel protested but he shut up when Adam turned around and glared at him angrily. 

“You are getting the anesthetic. No argument.”

Gabriel looked as shocked as the doctor but he shut up, which Adam took as a yes, leaning back with a grin that felt so out of place on his face that his stomach did a weird little jump. He liked this... whatever this was. He liked being here as much as it scared him.

It was stupid and he was bound to get hurt again because this was Gabriel and he would ruin his life like he had done before but he couldn’t help it. He wanted this, the queasy feeling in his stomach, the anticipation of having a baby and just, everything. Adam missed having a family.

“When will you have the results?” Adam asked since Gabriel didn’t seemed to be inclined to ask questions like this.

“In approximately three days.”

Adam was surprised, normally tests took a lot longer than that but apparently Gabriel had paid for a good doctor and with his whole book deal going on, Gabriel could probably afford it unlike Adam who could barely pay for anything.

“Awesome, let’s get this show on the road,” Gabriel commented far more enthusiastic than Adam felt. Someone sticking a needle in his... in Gabriel wasn’t really a reason to be enthusiastic, though a small part of him reminded him that a few weeks ago this would have probably been his favorite thing in the world.

“Alright Mr. Milligan, you can wait in the waiting room,” the doctor said with a friendly smile.

“No!” Adam, protested immediately grabbing hold of Gabriel’s hand once more.

Gabriel was actually holding onto his hand too, pulling Adam closer to his side. It was actually kind of comforting for Adam who still didn’t understand why he actually enjoyed being in close proximity to Gabriel once more.

“He’s staying with me,” Gabriel agreed with him in a voice that bore no argument.

Adam had never heard that tone of voice before and God he shouldn’t find it that hot! But Gabriel sounded threatening and protective like Adam meant something to him, something special. And he liked it, no matter that he shouldn’t, that he should run away instead of holding on and getting himself hurt once more.

The doctor looked like he wanted to protest but Gabriel growled, honest to God growled, and the guy simply nodded sharply.

While they were getting everything ready for getting fluid out of Gabriel’s womb, Adam never let go of Gabriel’s hand and Gabriel never let go of his.

Finally Gabriel had to lie down and Adam sat down next to him, for the first time really aware of the changes that had gone through Gabriel’s body and the fact that his stomach was growing, their _baby_ safely inside

. He held his hand and soothingly stroked through his hair with the other. It was far too intimate for Adam making him uneasy and happy at the same time. He really shouldn't let Gabriel get under his skin again.

But he couldn’t let go either, he wanted to protect Gabriel from getting hurt even though he knew that there was nothing here to protect him from. But still he couldn’t stop glaring at the doctor while he inserted the needle into Gabriel’s stomach.

Adam found it hard not to croon comforting words into Gabriel’s ear but he had enough self-respect left to not say anything. Thank God for small mercies.

He didn’t look at the monitor though he was tempted to, but he didn’t want the first glance of his baby be while someone pushing a needle into Gabriel’s stomach.

Gabriel turned his head into Adam’s caress, effectively hiding his face in Adam’s shirt. Adam couldn’t really blame him for it, he wouldn’t want to see someone sticking a needle into him either.

He moved his hand around to the back of Gabriel’s head, cupping him gently and holding him close to make sure that he didn’t have to see what was going on. Adam started humming softly, massaging the back of Gabriel’s skull while he kept watching the doctor.

“Hey Adam?” Gabriel mumbled from somewhere hidden in his shirt.

“Yeah?” Adam wasn’t so sure if he wanted to make conversation right now but his protective streak wouldn’t allow him to ignore Gabriel, no matter how much easier it would have made it for him later when he would need to pretend that everything had just been in his head.

“You smell good.”

Adam snorted, shaking his head and glaring at Gabriel but he never stopped holding him or massaging him. He stayed that way the whole time until the Doctor was finished, protectively hovering over a man that he had spend the last three month hating.

“Okay, we’re done,” Doctor Jerome told them after a while, sitting back and starting to put everything away again.

Gabriel held out a hand, holding the doctor back before he could get back up. “Can you show us our baby again?”

Adam gave Gabriel a surprised look, but the angel just beamed at him like a crazy person. He was acting like he was really excited to share this moment with him. Why was he, all of a sudden, acting like he cared so much for being with Adam? He was acting like they were a couple, a real couple with a real relationship that cared for each other and not... not this, whatever they were.

“Certainly, Mr. Enzeru,” Dr. Jerome agreed and Gabriel relaxed again, still holding onto Adam’s hand.

“Can you tell the gender?” Adam asked curiously, trying to figure out anything in the picture other than weird grey shapes.

“Yes, do you wish to know?”

Adam looked to Gabriel who just shrugged then gave him a nod. For a moment Adam thought about it but then he nodded, better to know early right?

“Yes,” he told the doctor after a moment.

He wasn't really feeling the excitement most people seemed to share when they found out the gender of their child. But while he was looking forward to being a father he couldn't really muster up enthusiasm for the gender.

“It's a girl. Do you see this?” he asked pointing at the screen after a few moments of intense studying.

Adam leaned forward when Dr. Jerome started showing them how to determine the gender, Gabriel was turning towards him again but this time not to hide but instead to beam at him like this was the most wonderful day of his life.

“Aren’t those wings?”

Adam had turned away from Gabriel’s blinding smile and towards the screen where the first thing he noticed were shadowy things that reminded him of the wings he had seen in school books. 

 

Dr. Jerome followed his outstretched finger before nodding cautiously.

“It seems to be.”

Gabriel was shooting up in his seat, which of course meant that they lost the picture. “What the hell are you talking about? Wings?”

Gently Adam put his hands on Gabriel’s shoulders, urging him to lay down again. Gabriel resisted Adam for a short moment but when Adam tried his best at a stern looked he finally slumped down with a defeated sigh. He looked more anxious than Adam had ever seen him. He should probably have taken pleasure from the fact that he got to see Gabriel being so nervous but he couldn’t.

“Please calm down and try to keep still, Mr. Enzeru.” the doctor asked gently, repositioning the ultrasound.

Adam was more and more sure that those were indeed wings the longer he kept starring at the screen but he didn’t want to say anything, after all he was just a med student and had only ever seen how wings presented in ultrasounds when he had looked through a book that hadn’t even been his.

The doctor kept silent while he was studying the ultrasound, his eyes focused on the screen. He was typing something every now and then and not even his wings belied anything. Not that Adam had any clue about wing language, at least not more than the average human.

Some of the angels at colleges were a mess of flailing wings quite often, at least in their first year but the older angels got the harder it got to see behind the mask.

Adam wondered how Gabriel was feeling with the sudden possibility that his child would have the chance at having wings that he never had. He knew that for angels, wings were essential, a fixed part of the way their communities worked. It must have been hard for Gabriel not to be able to communicate with other angels, to never really fit in or to fly.

Okay, this was really the wrong train of thoughts to follow. He wasn’t supposed to feel bad for Gabriel, the man had screwed him over and he was too good at manipulating people to allow him even the slightest bit of advantage.

That train of thought was getting a bit repetitive but he couldn't seem to stop developing emotions for Gabriel. It wasn't like he was serenading his love but he knew himself too good to ignore the slippery slope he was on.

He was a good person, he liked to help people and make them happy. And really it was far too easy to gain enough of his trust to be able to hurt him. He might keep people at arm's length when they seemed to get too close but that didn't stop him from wanting to help others.

“Those seem to be wings.”

Dr. Jerome’s comment pulled Adam back out of his thoughts and he was glad about it, arguing with himself never went well and most of the time it ended in him feeling a lot more torn about it than he had at the beginning.

Gabriel tensed under Adam’s hands and he looked down, worried what the angel would do. He wasn’t prepared to be faced with a mix of fear and excitement, he couldn’t remember Gabriel ever looking so open.

“So, my child will have wings?”

The Doctor nodded and turned around to face Gabriel and Adam once more.

“Yes, at least as far as we can tell now. We can’t be sure how much of an effect your genetic defect has on your child until we get the results back. There is still a number of possible complications and I’m reluctant to say anything for certain. I will consult with some colleagues if you agree and I will be able to tell you more once the results are back.”

Dr. Jerome sounded cautious and Adam could understand him, already his mind was providing him with all the possible problems. It would be a joy once he would actually get to different diseases in his studies and he would self-diagnose himself with everything he would probably never have.

“Great. So when should I come back?”

Gabriel looked so up in arms again that Adam nearly felt sorry for the doctor, if he wasn’t such an uptight angel himself. He was pretty sure if Gabriel hadn't been paying so much money, he’d likely not even let Adam into the office. At least Adam assumed that Gabriel was paying a huge amount of money, the whole building screamed upper-class doctor.

“The results should be back in a week but I would prefer to see you in two weeks for you regular exam. In case I need to discuss further strategies with my colleagues, I don’t want to present you with unfinished plans.”

Wow, Adam needed to remember this way of making the whole ordeal sound like a battle plan. Certainly made the whole thing a lot more amusing.

“I will make an appointment,” Gabriel gritted through his teeth and for once Adam was sure he wasn’t the one that wanted to be out of the room as of ten minutes ago.

“I need your signature in order to discuss your results with my colleagues,” the doctor reminded Gabriel who looked like he would rather swallow knives but nodded with a forced smile.

Gabriel hurried to sit up and clean his stomach of the gel before getting properly dressed again. His face was so drawn and full of barely hidden hurt that Adam was torn between being gleeful about it and feeling bad for the angel.

It took longer than either of them had hoped it would to finally get out of the building, but that was Gabriel's fault. Snapping at receptionists was never a good idea if you wanted to get anything done fast. Adam hoped his apology had made up for it but nevertheless he was going to remind Gabriel to bring her flowers or something next time as an apology. He wasn’t too convinced that she cared for a human’s apology at all.

Outside their goodbye was brief and painfully impersonal. Though Adam had told himself, he shouldn’t get attached to Gabriel again he was doubtful about the success of that strategy, it didn’t seem to be working out that well. If his actions during the ultrasound hadn’t been prove enough, the hurt at Gabriel being so dismissive of him certainly was.

He was screwed and the familiarity of the feeling didn't make it all that much better.

He had made his way home to an empty house and, thankfully, a fully stocked fridge and had proceeded to spend the rest of the evening doing something good for himself.

Having an evening off of work was a rare and great thing and Adam decided to celebrate the fact by cooking for himself and spending an evening in front of the TV watching romance movies. He would never admit to it but he turned to them whenever he was stressed or wanted to do something good for himself. They were so far away from his own reality, it was easy to just get lost in them and forget about everything he had to deal with.

Not to mention that they had always a happy ending, something Adam found sadly lacking in his own life.

He liked action movies too, but they were mainly watched when he was angry enough to beat the shit out of things but had to keep himself from doing it. Destroying half of the furniture once had been enough and he had felt horrible afterwards, afraid that maybe at some point it wouldn't be just inanimate objects. Aside from that, he couldn't afford it.

Having already devoured his dinner and enjoyed a nice cake he had bought himself from the bakery - sometimes you just needed to indulge yourself - Adam was nearly through the first movie when his phone rang.

Picking it up he glanced at the caller ID resolute to ignore any call from work. If they needed emergency replacement again they would have to call someone else this time, he had jumped in last minute often enough. To say he was surprised to see it was Gabriel calling would have been an understatement.

He contemplated for a moment if he should just ignore the phone call but the irrational notion that something was wrong with the baby had him picking up the phone. The procedure that Gabriel had went through had some possible complications after all. 

Picking up the phone he waited for the angel to answer but silence was the only thing greeting him.

“Gabriel?” he asked reluctantly after a minute of silence, starting to wonder if there was really something wrong.

“Sorry.” he heard from the other end and he couldn’t really connect the cocky Gabriel he knew with the soft voice from the other end of the line. “Just... I wanted to say thanks. For coming with me. I probably would have bolted without you there.”

Adam couldn’t help but smile, the empty feeling from before filled with a warm glow. So much for not getting attached to Gabriel. But who the hell cared anyway, he was sure Gabriel actually made a great friend. Things should be fine unless he decided to fall in love again. Which just wasn't an option.

“No worries,” he replied without much thought after a minute of silence. Yeah, there was no way he was going to come up with a more elaborate answer anytime soon.

“Those things I said to you about you not being a good father weren’t right, you know?”

Adam snorted, but despite that he couldn’t help feeling relieved. He knew that he was never make a father as shitty as John Winchester but that didn’t mean he couldn’t worry, right?

“Course I know.” It was meant to sound angry but he didn’t even manage to raise his voice to mild irritation.

“Good. I... yeah. Glad you were there today. I’m sure you will make a good doctor one day.”

Adam chuckled, because he himself had some doubts about that. It was nice to have someone else tell him that he wasn’t going to fail but after everything that had happened and the way he was dealing with things, he worried about his future far too much. Who would want a doctor that was going to break down at the most random moments?

“You really will, I’m sure that idiot I’m paying wouldn’t even have mentioned the wings if you hadn’t pointed them out. I really hope he did notice them though, I’m paying him way too much to be an oblivious douchebag.”

Again Adam chuckled though this time for different reasons. Yeah, this was the Gabriel he knew and loved, no used to love. Chastising himself in his mind for his slip up, he suddenly remembered the poor receptionist that would likely be tempted to lose Gabriel’s chart.

“You should bring the receptionist flowers or one of your cakes. You were really rude today.”

Gabriel’s huff sounded far too dismissive for Adam’s liking and sure enough the angel replied with a really inappropriate “Well, she really deserved it.”

For a moment the familiar rage started to boil up again and Adam had to clamp down on it viciously and instead tried to get back into the calmness he had become so good at dragging up. Getting angry at things like this really wasn’t worth it, especially since he ended up angry at himself most of the time.

“First off, no one deserves being yelled at for no reason and second, you know what the first thing is that you learn when you step into the hospital as a prospective medical student?”

“No.” Gabriel sounded a bit like a petulant child which somehow did wonders to cure Adam’s anger, mostly because it meant that Gabriel sounded really ridiculous.

“To never, ever piss off the receptionist or nurses, or your life will be hell.”

Especially as a young doctor it was important to make friends with the nurses, he had heard that often enough. After all it was the nursing staff that did all the hard work and they were the ones with patient contact. If you were stupid enough to behave like an ass towards them, they would probably do everything that wasn’t bad for the patient to make your life as complicated as possible.

“Okay, I’m gonna bring her a cake,” Gabriel relented after some grumbling that Adam didn’t catch over the phone - it probably was for the best. “But only so you can sleep in peace and won’t spend the nights worrying that she will come and murder me in my sleep.”

Adam flinched and wished he could stop himself from reacting like this to casual words. At least it hadn’t really thrown him, it was a bit unpleasant but apparently today still wanted to be nice to him and spared him a sudden panic attack. He appreciated it.

“Good. I’m gonna try and get the day off for your next appointment but I can’t promise anything.”

For a moment there was silence on the other end of the line and Adam felt bad for breaking it to Gabriel so suddenly and out of the blue. But he hadn’t gotten to it before and he didn’t want to wait until a few days before the appointment to say anything.

“Oh. Well. You don’t... you know you don’t have to come, right?”

Gabriel sounded so unsure again Adam found it hard not to want to hug him and while it wasn’t a possibility at the moment he shouldn’t even be thinking along those lines.

“Of course I know that,” he hesitated a moment before adding in a rush of words, “but I want to come, I really do, but I need the money and if my boss won’t give me the day off, there’s nothing I can do about it. But I really, really want to come. It’s my child too, I need to know if I have to angel proof everything around the house.”

Again there was a moment of silence and Adam wondered if once more he did say something wrong but when Gabriel answered he sounded happy and excited.

“If your boss won’t give you off, we can always reschedule,” he offered, making Adam smile at the suggestion.

“That would be great.”

“Everything for you, Adam.”

Adam realized he was smiling even brighter. He was fucked.

Adam was glad about the appointment with Dr. Barnes the next day. He had no idea where her genius came from but she could read people a lot better than most. That she was blind hadn't changed that one bit. . She was able to pull more from the sounds that filled a room or lack of them than Adam thought should be possible. He was really lucky to have her as his therapist because aside from being amazing at her job, she had been always there for Adam when he needed her, no matter the hour.

He had sadly met his share of therapists who hadn’t been able to distinguish between their own personal ideals and what might be best for their patients, and who had done more harm than good. Adam really hoped all of them lost their licenses, they certainly deserved it for being such giant douches.

“Hello, Adam,” his therapist welcomed him and he smiled at her while shaking her hand.

He tended to forget she couldn’t see him smile but he was sure that she had her own psychic way of knowing what his facial expression was like. If people asked him if he believed in people with supernatural powers he would send them to this woman, she was incredible - and really scared Adam most of the time when she asked him about things she shouldn’t know and poked at the things he wanted to avoid.

“Hey, Dr. Barnes.”

She tilted her head and readjusted her shades, looking at Adam with what he could only call curiosity. Seriously, how did she do that?

“You sound troubled Adam,” she offered him as way of explanation, while at the same time gesturing towards the chair Adam had already spent way too much time in.

Adam couldn’t hold back a ironic laugh as he sat down on the chair and kicked of his shoes to pull his knees up to his chest, hugging them with both arms. “You mean more troubled than usual.”

The way she tilted her head probably meant that Dr. Barnes didn’t approve of his cynicism but he found it to be a rather good defense mechanism. Nothing to keep you going like being sure that life sucked for everyone.

“So tell me what happened since our last appointment.”

Another thing Adam liked about Dr. Pamela Barnes that she allowed him to talk about the things that he wanted to talk about, unless she was sure he was hiding something that was bad for him. But when she was sure that something was off, like now, she mostly just asked Adam to talk. And then she gently stirred him into the right direction, showing him the source of his problems like it was the easiest thing in the world.

“Well, you kinda missed a lot.” He tried to sound joking and aloof but he was sure he was failing pretty epically at it. Oh well, she already knew that he was a big bag of issues, he really didn’t need to pretend for her sake.

Since his health insurance had decided they wouldn’t pay for him to see her every week and Adam had decided that he wanted to get back to a normal life, they had only seen each other every two weeks. He had missed the last session, he wasn’t even sure why anymore, it had probably been some school project that he couldn’t push back no matter how good he always felt after therapy.

Well, not immediately after, the first few days he normally felt like crap but after that he ended up feeling a lot better and that certainly made up for the bad days.

“Do I need to remind you that you ditched me without even a call, I think I at least deserve all your juicy secrets for that,” Dr. Barnes fired back, reminding Adam of one of the other reasons why he sometimes wanted to marry this woman.

She never allowed him to get away with his bullshit but at the same time she left Adam his peace.

“Alright, but only if you’ll refrain from laughing at me at the end.”

“I’ll reserve the right to break that promise if your story is hilarious enough.”

Of course, both of them knew that Dr. Barnes would never laugh at him but that wasn’t the point of the whole banter. Adam had long ago started suspecting that it was her way of making him feel like he was with friend and not with his therapist. If it was it was definitely working and Adam sure as hell wasn’t going to complain about it, it made everything more bearable.

“Okay so, I’m sure you remember Gabriel.” He stopped for a short moment waiting for her nod before he continued with his tale that could be fresh out of a soap opera. He should consider selling the right to his life story, they sure could make a great horror-thriller and one awful romantic-comedy out of it. Might solve his monetary problems.

“So he showed up at my door a few weeks ago and claimed he was pregnant. Of course I didn’t believe him because he was a dude and there was no way a guy could get pregnant. Except then he claimed he was actually an angel only without the wings - so no, I didn’t miss two huge appendixes the whole time, you’re still the only blind person in the room. Anyway, he turned out to, at least, be a lot stronger than a normal human.”

Adam stopped to take a sip of the water Dr. Barnes had offered him, half because he was really thirsty and half because he needed a moment to collect his thoughts. His therapist sat perched on her armchair, typing things on the Braille typewriter she had balanced on her knees. Oh God, if the start of this story already had her typing so fast, he really didn’t want to know what she would say to the rest of it.

He took one deep breath and started to talk once more, telling her everything.

When he finished, he looked at her expectantly but as always Dr. Barnes was taking her time to process the things he had told her, another thing Adam liked about her, mainly because it gave him the time to enjoy the offered chocolate. At first he had been unsure how much he should eat of it but during one especially bad session he had devoured a whole block and she hadn’t batted an eyelash, she had even given him one to take home. After that he had decided that she was probably the most awesome therapist anyone ever had.

“You told me purely about the facts, try and tell me how you feel, Adam,” she prompted him gently, using one of the sentences he hated most. Talking about his feelings....

Dean would probably be really proud of him, being unable to properly talk about what was bothering them seemed to be one of the main traits of the Winchester family. Adam bet Sam would disagree but it wasn’t like he was really that much better at talking about his problems.

“I don’t know,” he started before stopping again and taking a deep and shaky breath. Nearly on reflex his hands moved and he broke off a piece of chocolate, putting it in his mouth and letting it melt while he tried to gather his thoughts. “It’s like when we first started. I have all those feelings and I jump between all of them. I want the baby, I really do. I already love it and I think I’m starting to like Gabriel once more, though I still hate him. I’m still okay only not so stable anymore. I want to be a father but Gabriel... you know how much he hurt me. And what kind of father would I be? I mean I’m crazy. I can’t be around my child if I’m gonna have a breakdown just because a glass fell down.”

He was aware that he was talking himself into a frenzy but he couldn’t stop now, he needed to get it all out because there was no one else who would listen and not judge him as someone who needed to be locked away. It was hard not to be able to talk to people without them thinking he was going to turn into a crazy serial killer every moment.

“I just... I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and one minute I’m good, then I turn angry and the next I spend the night throwing up. It’s... I want to be okay again.”

Dr. Barnes sighed which was, as Adam had long since realized, a sign that she was worrying and that in turn was a sign that things were really bad. She was so good for Adam because he was the kind of case she took on. Traumatized people who had lived through horrible traumas or were dealing with personal tragedies. Her worrying meant that he was crazier than her average patient.

And while that realization should have made _him_ worry, it made him relax. It was nice to be reminded that she cared about him, probably more than about her average patient and sometimes it was just great to feel cared about even if that did include his therapist believing him to be crazy, he would take what he could get.

“What happened to you doesn’t mean you’d make a bad father. Neither does your own lack of a father figure. You know I won’t lie to you, Adam, and it is going to be a difficult road but you can be a good parent for your child. You certainly won’t be a second John Winchester, especially because you are able to express your feelings and because you will be able to understand how your child feels and what to do when she reaches out to you for help.”

Having Dr. Barnes say that to him, made him nearly believe it.

“Thanks but that doesn’t change that I can’t have a breakdown in front of my kid or even have one of my aggressive or depressive episodes. Even when she can understand why I’m acting that way, she deserves someone stable. I won't hurt my child with my trauma.”

Dr. Barnes nodded and once more Adam was glad he found a counselor who wouldn’t give him any bullshit, and would probably even tell him when she thought he needed to stay away from his own child because he would be bad for it.

“You can be a good father, Adam, and you have been on a good way to be completely free from your mood swings.”

Adam snorted, realizing what she was heading for and intercepting her before she could try and gently prod him into the right direction. “Yeah, before I met Gabriel.”

She nodded. “Exactly. I’m less worried about your possible failure as a father and more about the bad influence Gabriel will possibly have on you, Adam.”

His first impulse was to jump to Gabriel’s defense, which left him dumbstruck when he realized what he was doing. What the hell was he doing arguing in favor of Gabriel? He wasn’t supposed to like the guy and more importantly he had sworn himself that he was not going to fall for his ways once again but apparently he had failed. 

Instead of going with his first impulse he sighed and let his shoulders drop, rubbing a hand over his eyes. All of a sudden he felt more tired than he had felt in a long, long time.

“I know,” he murmured after a moment. He had let his feet drop to the ground and was resting his elbows on his legs, his head now burred in his hands. All of a sudden all of this just seemed too much.

“We’ll figure out what you want and then we’ll see what the best course of action should be,” Dr. Barnes decided after a moment of silence, every time she just instinctively seemed to know what he needed and took charge he just adored her a bit more. At least with this thing he had found himself being lucky.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

He could only hope that whatever they decided on wouldn’t end in heartbreak for him, he had had more than enough of it and he really just wanted things to work out this time. If he wanted that, his best bet was to listen to Dr. Barnes so he took one last deep breath and sat up straight to listen to what she had to say.

Adam knew that pacing through the house wasn't going to solve any of his problems but walking around brooding felt a lot better than sitting around. It certainly made it seem like he was actually doing something other than staring off into space.

It was just like all the other times after therapy. He was restless and couldn't sleep, his defenses were down and he was even more jumpy than usual. He was just glad that their last session hadn't gone as deep as some of the others, having to deal with flashbacks right now really would have capped it all off.

While he was struggling more than he usually did, at least he was functioning and he was thankful for every brief respite that he got. It meant that he could go to the university and work without having to worry about having a breakdown in front of a bunch of people who he didn't want to see him like that.

He was always careful to let as few people as possible know of his problems. Though he knew it probably wasn't going to cost him one his jobs he didn't want any of his classmates to know, it just needed one of them to tell one of the hospitals around about how Adam Milligan wasn't reliable and would break down at random moments for Adam to end up not being employed.

Dr. Barnes had told him on more than one occasion that while some hospital wouldn't employ him, he would find work in hospitals working with trauma victims themselves.

While he normally didn't keep things from her he hadn't told her that he just wanted people not to know and to be considered normal. He wasn't sure she would've approved.

Yesterday had been okay, one sleepless night in exchange for some insight and advice was a pretty good bargain as far as Adam could see. Not that he now knew what to do, Dr. Barnes never told him that, but now he had all the information that he was likely going to need to make a good decision.

He liked it more like this, making his own decisions, though Dr. Barnes had probably saved him from a lot of stupid things. If it worked this time still remained to be seen.

For a moment he considered to write his options down but that would've meant that he would have to sit down and he had too much pent up energy for that. So instead he decided to talk himself through it.

“Okay Adam,” he started after taking a deep breath and trying to relax. “Okay. So, you got an angel pregnant and there's no way you're gonna let the baby grow up with only one of its parents. Not that mom didn't do a great job but yeah, a father is something nice.”

He walked into the kitchen, tearing a piece of the bread he had baked the other day so he had something to chew on. He always felt the urge to eat when he was nervous, thankfully he never ended up gaining too much weight. That would've just added to frustration he felt.

“You want to be a father but that still leaves Gabriel. Gabriel who's obviously a self-involved asshole. Except he isn't because that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Unless of course he tricked you again and he is indeed a self-involved asshole and you just fell for his shit a second time. But that's also too easy. I mean I think he's actually a really nice guy... angel, whatever.”

Adam sighed, kicking against the couch while he strode through the living room and into his bedroom.

“Still, he makes me vulnerable and being vulnerable is not nice and...” his voice went down to a whisper, even though there was no one else in the house to hear him, “and I think I might be falling for him again. Which is a really, really bad idea. Just look how the last time went. Which is not good at all. I really can't afford to be screwed over like this again. One time was more than enough and with finals coming up I need to focus on uni and not on Gabriel.”

He snorted, once more having arrived in the kitchen but this time refraining from taking more food. He was proud of himself. Just in case he needed to remember to stock up his chocolate supplies the next time he went to the supermarket.

“Oh God, my life is such a soap opera. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with having a nice, normal life? But no, I've got to fall in love with an angel who then ends up running away and shows up being pregnant. They couldn't have made that shit up.

I just wish that Gabriel wasn't such a jerk. He's... nice and loveable. Oh God what am I talking about? Gabriel isn't lovable, even if he sometimes seems like it. He is an utter jerk. Sometimes. Most of the time. I'm talking nonsense again. Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay, focus, Milligan. It doesn't matter if Gabriel is nice or not. He is unreliable and he broke your heart and while he's probably a great father trying to start anything with him again isn't gonna do you any good.”

Giving in to his urges to make sure his problems died of diabetes Adam grabbed the last block of chocolate, he really needed to restock.

“You can't fall in love again. Focus on the baby, focus on being a good father and don't spend any time with Gabriel. See, that sounds like a good plan, right? No casual phone calls, no holding hands during procedures, not going to appointments, not spending any time with Gabriel. Period.”

Instantly he felt guilty because not going to the appointments already made him feel like a bad father but as long as Gabriel kept him in the loop and he got all the information he needed to make sure his baby was safe, it didn't make a difference if he was at the appointment itself or not.

It had been nice going to the appointments and being a proper father but in the end it wasn't something he needed to do for the baby to be safe or loved. And every minute he spend in Gabriel's presence when he was as vulnerable, as he was during the exams, made it harder to keep his distance from the other man and stay unaffected by him.

There was no other way and the thought hurt more than it had any right to. Adam picked up the phone to finally start and make sure that Gabriel wasn't going to rip his heart out a second time. Didn't matter that he felt like dirt, he simply couldn't afford being emotionally destabilized.

Adam had never been so glad about someone not picking up his phone but when he got through to voicemail the words still made him feel like the world's biggest jerk and not relieved like they should have.

“Gabriel. I can't make it to the appointment and I won't come to any other appointment unless it directly affects the baby's health. Please send me the results and all further results via mail. Only contact me when it's essential for the baby. Once the due date is closer we can work out a schedule, which makes it possible for the child to spend time with both of us. Adam.”

Putting on the cold facade had never made him feel quite so disgusting before.

It was the day of the appointment and ironically his boss had given him off, despite Adam's insistence that he didn't need it anymore. But Janet had been very adamant about him being there when it came to his baby.

He should have never told her why he wanted the day off, now she wouldn't leave him in peace until she knew everything about it and about the mother. Thankfully he had been in his right mind enough not to tell her about Gabriel.

So instead of being at work and ignoring the fact that he felt like a major asshole for leaving Gabriel alone, he was now at home with nothing to do and failing to ignore the way he felt.

Knowing that he was doing what was good for him didn't make it much easier, if anything it just made it harder. He had never been a selfish person but since his mother's death he had found it hard to be anything but selfless.

If he hadn't insisted that she should take some time off, she would be still alive. So the fact that he was just doing what was best for him made it even harder to sit on the couch and watch the minutes tick away on the clock, the appointment getting closer and closer.

Like Adam had requested on his voice mail message Gabriel hadn't contacted him, which somehow just made it worse. If he at least knew that Gabriel was really a careless bastard, Adam could've maybe managed to make himself believe that was he was doing was right.

But Adam couldn't forget the distraught look on Gabriel's face when the doctor had talked about possible consequences for the baby. Somehow the image was what came up in his mind whenever he thought about how Gabriel might have reacted to the phone call.

The last few days had been hard, the closer the day of the appointment came, the more Adam had felt the weight of his guilt settle in his gut. But even worse than the guilt was the desperation and depression he could feel clawing at his thoughts.

It was like something sitting in his throat and it was everything Adam could do not to let it out. He knew it wouldn't do him any good, if bad came to worse it might even mean he'd do something incredibly stupid.

Truth be told that was what scared him most of all. Not the nightmares, not the panic attacks, not the flashbacks but the feeling of depression crawling up his spine. It was the threat of losing control over his emotions, it was the taste of despair in his mouth and the possibility of some part of him deciding to end all of it, no matter what he wanted.

It was something that he couldn't control, it came over him and it took all he had to just hold on and cling to the closest surface in a desperate effort to stop himself from moving, doing something he wouldn't even life to regret.

Adam didn't want to die. Not anymore. He had at one point longed for death but that was long behind him, now he wanted to live and do good things, help other people like some people had helped him.

Adam might have not wanted to die but there were days when he didn't know if he would still be breathing when the sun rose again.

Right now it wasn't so bad yet, but it was there, he felt it lurking and just waiting for a chance to come out and play. Thankfully his depression was nice and at least gave him some long-term warning signs whereas his explosive rage just gave him minutes to get out of the situation.

 

He had never doubted Dr. Barnes judgement before – though he had cursed her on several occasions – but right now he started to wonder if this was really where he was supposed to be. It didn't feel like it and it certainly didn't feel like he was doing what was best for him either.

His mental stability had crumbled considerably during the last few days, Adam was aware enough to owe up to it and to realize how dangerous it was if he allowed himself to glide even further out of control.

He gulped and ran his hand through his hair in a sad attempt to calm himself down, gripping at the hair at his nape and pulling lightly. With a sudden dry chuckle Adam remembered how his mother had always chastised him for this nervous gesture, telling him he would lose all his hair before he turned twenty if he kept that up, never mind that it had been a habit that he had picked up from her.

Thinking about his mother stopped Adam cold as a sudden unbidden image rose to his mind.

His mother in a doctor's office, waiting for her first ultrasound, all alone and scared. She had no husband to support her and no family to turn to for help. She was completely on her own and desperately wished for someone to hold her hand and tell her everything would be okay.

Though some part of his brain told him that this was just something he had conjured up in his mind that didn't lessen the feeling of a mental punch to the gut. He might become a better father to his child than John Winchester had been to him but that didn't mean he was any better when it came to taking care of the person he knocked up.

He needed to owe up to his responsibility, hiding behind what was best for him and the easy way out for the rest of his life wasn't going to get him anywhere and was sure as hell not going to help him get better.

He owed it to Gabriel and to himself. But most importantly he owed it to his mother. She had raised him better than this.

A look at the clock told him that he had ten minutes to get there, normally he would need at least twenty but he was determined to get to the office in time.

How the hell he managed to get to the doctor's office without being run over or hitting something and bringing himself into an early grave, Adam would never be quite sure. He had spend the whole ride in a haze, just knowing that he had to make it because he could never forgive himself if he didn't.

Adam was well aware that the sudden and radical change in convictions was due to his easily changing mood but he decided to push any self-examining and questioning until later when he had the time to call himself an idiot.

Staying at home had made him feel like shit, the whole bike ride he had felt like he was flying and right now all he could do was hold on and hope he wouldn't crash and burn.

When he chained his bike to the lantern outside the doctor's office his hands were shaking as were his knees and his heart was racing in his chest. His breath was coming in short gasps and if he didn't know better he would've thought he was going to keel over and die any minute.

 _'Well, at least you're at a doctor's office,'_ he thought to himself wryly. _'Only better place to fall over dead is the hospital or a funeral home.'_

For the first time he decided to wait for the elevator instead of taking the stairs, he wasn't sure he could've made it up without collapsing – and thankfully the elevator ride was fast and without any stops in between.

He nearly fell out of the elevator and into the waiting room, still completely out of breath but after a few seconds he found Gabriel and relief flooded him, making him feel like he was flying once more.

He trotted over to where Gabriel was sitting, the angel looked up as soon as he moved, his nostrils flaring as hope and distrust warred in his eyes. Adam couldn't begrudge him the latter, he had screwed this one up pretty badly.

“Hey,” he said softly as he allowed himself to fall down into the chair next to Gabriel.

“You came.”

The angel's voice sounded full of wonder and relief and if there had been any doubts left about Adam coming here he was sure as hell not ever going to listen to them, not after seeing Gabriel so happy not to be here on his own.

“Yeah, I couldn't let you do this alone,” he answered, grabbing Gabriel's hand when the angel hesitantly reached out for his.

“Thank you.”

Somehow those simple words made Adam feel even more guilty and he ducked his head, feeling like shit for behaving the way he had.

“I'm sorry. I should've never bailed the way I did.”

He had done what he thought was the right thing for him but that helped about as much now as it had an hour ago when he was going crazy inside his own mind.

“It's okay. I'm sure you had your reasons. And you're here now, that's all that counts.”

Startled Adam looked up and stared at Gabriel. To his surprise the human found the angel smiling gently, his expressive face for once not hiding how he felt and instead showing how grateful he was that Adam was here.

“Thank you,” Adam found himself saying and to his surprise he realized he meant it.

He should probably be alarmed that he was feeling grateful that the angel had welcomed him back with open arms but he couldn't bring himself to care about what he should or shouldn't do. He felt good right now and that was a lot more than everything that had been _the right thing to do_ had managed to achieve.

They sat in silence until the receptionist called Gabriel's name. When he glanced towards her desk Adam noticed flowers on it and he was pretty sure he knew who brought them. For some reason that made him feel even better.

When they entered the office Adam's mood changed to a mix of dread, gloomy anticipation and hope. While he had been intent on not coming the past two weeks he had still found himself thinking about Gabriel's gene defect and the possible problems for the baby.

After trying very hard not to dwell on it he had resigned himself to the fact that he wasn't going to stop himself from obsessing over it and had sat down to do his research.

Only to find out that there wasn't much research to be done. While there was a lot of generic material to be found about genetic defect in Angels, there were rarely any concrete cases and most of them were of the more scandalous kind, like the poor guy who had been born with three pair of wings or the angel who could only see in auras.

For a time he had considered asking Gabriel about his specific defect and on one memorable sleepless night he had decided to break into Gabriel's doctor's office to find out. Thankfully he hadn't gone through with any of it.

So instead he had started asking his professors endless questions, he was pretty sure he might have driven them insane but thankfully the only one who had lost his temper had been his angelic instructor and he had done so by pressing a book into his hands and telling him that if he had any questions he could damn well ask someone else.

Still, he was rather clueless about what was waiting for him in the doctor's office. He really wished he knew because it would make it a hell of a lot easier. He wasn't used to being the clueless patient anymore.

“Mr. Enzeru, Mr. Milligan. It's good to see you again.”

Adam shook the outstretched hand of the doctor after Gabriel, trying to gauge how this was going to go by the look on the face of the doctor. Of course his face didn't betray anything, damn perfect angel mask.

The room was as cheerful as always. There were rows of books on the back wall of the room and a few nice but meaningless – at least to Adam – pictures to his right, the whole left side of the room were floor to ceiling windows, though Adam was pretty sure you couldn't see in from outside, giving the patients a view of the city's skyline.

Seeing the freedom of the sky was probably soothing to angels, Adam wondered if it had the same effect on Gabriel, even without his wings.

“Your case is really most unique and intriguing,” he told them as Gabriel and Adam took their seats. They had started holding hands again.

“I'm glad you view my child as adequate entertainment,” Gabriel spat back.

Adam squeezed his hand, reminding him that playing nice was important. He couldn't imagine the doctor – he had already forgotten his name – withholding any important information out of spite but the little paranoid voice in the back of his head was surprisingly insistent.

For a moment the mask on the angel's face slipped and Adam was able to see how startled he was by Gabriel's hostility before the ever present polite smile was back in place.

“The results of the tests back what we already saw on the ultrasound, the fetus has wings and there shouldn't be anything wrong with them as far as we can tell at this point in their development.”

Adam nodded, urging the doctor to continue. This was great news but the way Gabriel seemed frozen into place next to him made Adam wonder if maybe it wasn't for him. But either way, this was nothing they could change and Adam just wanted to know if the rest of his child was going to be okay.

“There were no other problems we could identify aside from one.” He looked grave and something in Adam clenched, the way it always did when he needed to prepare himself for the worst.

He was dimly aware that his hand hurt where Gabriel was squeezing it, he turned towards Gabriel, resting his free hand on Gabriel's knee, squeezing it reassuringly.

“I'm afraid your child will be an archangel like you, Mr. Enzeru.”

The way the doctor said those words it seemed to Adam like he was telling them their baby was dead but that definitely wasn't what he was saying. Adam wrecked his brain trying to remember the lessons on angelic physiology and social constructs he had had in uni, wishing he had paid more attention at the time.

The doctor looked at them both like he was waiting for some kind of reaction that neither Adam nor Gabriel were displaying yet.

His memory of archangels was hazy, he hadn't thought he would ever actually use any of the knowledge about angels anyway. Archangels was a term that encompassed any angel with genetic mutations that enhanced his or her abilities.

Adam remembered his professor telling them about an angel whose senses had been so elevated she had been able to pick up on most things better than any machine, only problem was, she was blind. So while these mutations often enhanced some abilities they also tended to destroy other genes.

As everyone knew angels were a bunch of perfectionists who couldn't tolerate anything outside of their norms. So while archangels were appreciated for their powers and what they could offer to angelic society no one actually wanted to see them outside of their job.

He looked towards Gabriel, his... the angel looked like he was made out of stone. Adam couldn't read anything on his face. It was the perfect angel mask, the one that Adam had never seen on his face before.

For one irrational moment Adam felt fear spike in his blood before he reminded himself that this was Gabriel, there was no need to be afraid.

Taking a deep breath he turned around to look at the doctor once more, forcing a smile on his face. He was pretty sure it didn't look very convincing but he couldn't care about that.

“What kind of mutations did you find?”

The doctor shook his head, looking at Adam like he was some kind of idiot. It made him bristle but now was not the time to get angry at something like an ignorant angels. 

“It's not as easy as that, Mr. Milligan. While we found some typical markers we weren't able to determine any future influence of her heritage. Most of it will only become evident throughout her life.”

Gabriel snorted, startling both Adam and the doctor. He sat up straighter and turned toward the archangel who in turn looked at him.

“You know that normally only the genes for our wings are dominant?” he asked, not giving Adam a chance to say anything before he continued so Adam just nodded. “In archangels all of the other genes, the ones that make us stronger and faster they're dominant too. But not even all of them, no one ever bothered to find out how it really works. You never know what comes out when archangels breed.”

He sounded so... disgusted and distant that Adam couldn't stop himself from pulling his hand from his grip and instead putting his arm around Gabriel, enveloping him in an awkward hug.

“But our baby is going to be fine, right? I mean you found nothing that might mean she's gonna... you know?”

The doctor shook his head, apparently now on comfortable territory again, even angels probably couldn't keep their cool all the time when they were talking about their children.

“Of course there is always a possibility for complications and given the situation I would recommend weekly ultrasounds but no, there is nothing we found in her genes that indicates there will be complications”

Adam felt relieved but he knew well enough that just because they hadn't found anything didn't mean there really wasn't anything there.

“Obviously our resources are limited, due to the unique nature of the genetic make-up of archangels. Every archangel is different and so far a clear pattern hasn't emerged. But unlike past times there is a lot of research devoted to archangels now, which your daughter will likely be able to profit from when she gets older. In a few years a lot more information will emerge than what we currently have.”

Adam was surprised by the missing disdain in the doctor's voice as he was talking about the archangels. He felt stupid about it a few seconds later. Not everyone was a bigot, even if angelic society seemed to be full of them most of the time.

“As soon as she's born we can determine a lot more and if her development is carefully observed, there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to grow up as healthy and normal as any other angel.”

Those words earned him a snort from Gabriel who looked amused. Why he was behaving rude all of a sudden Adam didn't know but he really hoped he wouldn't need to interfere.

“You can stop that pep talk, doc, I know all about how awesome archangels are.”

To Adam's surprise the doctor shrugged, his wings moving in a graceful curve towards the ceiling. That and the wry smile on his face were more emotions than Adam had ever seen from him and it took him by surprise.

He had already started to figure that the doctor – like most angels – was more robot than actual living thing. He really shouldn't allow himself to judge people so fast by the lack of their facial expression.

“Sadly, I often find that archangels are more angry about their child being an archangel than the average angelic couple.”

Again Gabriel snorted but this time it sounded more sad than anything else and Adam instinctively tightened his hold around the angel's shoulder and pulled him closer. He really needed to stop doing that.

“Maybe it's because we know that we're only glorified canon-fodder.”

This time when the doctor moved his wings Adam couldn't decipher the gesture but it seemed to be something good because Gabriel relaxed against him, some of the tension seeping out of him.

He needed to look that up later.

“Times are changing, Mr. Enzeru.”

As sudden as it had gone the mask on the doctor's face was back and he was once more the unflappable angel who could get a role as a robot in every Science Fiction movie ever made.

It was kind of comforting to see things return to the way they were supposed to be. As nice as it was to see that their doctor actually had feelings it was just as nice to get back to normal and away from weird angel bonding which Adam didn't even understand half of.

“It's time for your ultrasound.”

Adam watched as the doctor got up, heading towards the door behind which the more private examination room was hidden. He got up, pulling his arm away from where it had rested around Gabriel's shoulder to grab his backpack.

When he stood upright again he came face to face with Gabriel who was looking at him with an unreadable expression. For one disconcerting moment he just wanted to kiss Gabriel but he managed to shake himself out of it before he did anything stupid.

“You coming?”

“Yeah,” Adam replied with a grin.

Unlike the urge to kiss Gabriel, Adam didn't fight the impulse to take Gabriel's hand. This was different, it didn't mean anything at all.

Adam had always found it easy to lie to himself, this time was no exception.

“Adam! How went that paper that you needed to write? I brought cake, alternatively to celebrate or to give your sorrow diabetes so we can watch it suffer and die.”

Without looking up from his books Adam threw a pen at the archangel, hitting him in the head with it. Huh, he had better aim than he thought. He pushed his chair back and stood up to head over to where the archangel was standing in the door, cake box in one hand, the other propped against his hip.

As soon as Adam actually saw the archangel he started laughing, unable to stop himself even though he had wanted to remind Gabriel that he shouldn't abuse the privilege of having a key. He still felt kind of jittery about giving Gabriel one but they had agreed that it would be a good step.

They would have a baby together and soon Gabriel would come and go a lot more in his house. It was good to start getting used to unannounced visits while the baby wasn't there and he could freak out all he wanted.

That didn't mean he didn't end up hiding under his bed after most of Gabriel's visits. Thankfully the angel had never once noticed the way he felt.

But right now he was sure he had never seen anything more hilarious and probably never would. He should take a photo of it to show it to their daughter at one point when she was well over 30.

Gabriel's hair was slicked back and he was wearing a fake mustache. His white shirt was partly open and forming a rather generous v-neck. The image was completed by some macho necklace and a red vest.

Basically, Gabriel looked like he'd just walked out of a bad porn movie.

“Gabriel...” Adam gasped between fits of laughter. “Please tell me you're not actually coming from a porn movie shoot.”

The angel just waggled his eyebrows in a _very_ suggestive manner and grinned at him, making Adam groan in despair, breathless from laughter.

He had to lean against the kitchen counter in order to gain some semblance of control over his laughter. For once he really couldn't say he minded losing control one bit. As a matter of fact this could happen a lot more often. 

Closing his eyes, he forced his breathing to calm down only to start giggling again at random moments. Yeah, he would never forget the look of Gabriel in those clothes, they should make that a therapy.

He dared to peak with one eye but as soon as he focused on Gabriel who was still leaning against the doorframe, a cheshire grin on his face and the cake balanced on his right hand he started giggling again, doubling over with the pain in his muscles.

“You're such an asshole,” he told the floor in front of his face after a few minutes of mostly silent laughing.

He needed at least another ten minutes to pull himself together and when he looked up at Gabriel he still had a moment where he wasn't sure if he could stop himself from laughing again.

At least Adam now knew what he would think about the next time he felt depressed, this memory was sure to cheer him up.

When he finally looked up again Gabriel just grinned at him like the complete and utter maniac that he was. Adam couldn't even find it in him to really be angry at dropping by unannounced, which was a good thing since that was what he was trying to achieve with that whole thing of giving Gabriel the keys in the first place.

“I handed the paper in yesterday, how am I supposed to know if it went good or not?” Adam grinned before stepping forward and snatching the cake from Gabriel's right hand.

“Hey!” the angel protested but didn't make any real effort to get the cake back. Instead he skipped into the kitchen – which looked positively ridiculous given that Gabriel was a grown adult who had a baby bump but he wouldn't tell Gabriel that, he'd just end up sulking the rest of the day.

“But I have another paper due in a few days and I can really use some cheering up cake so I'm gonna confiscate this.”

Gabriel side stepped Adam to get to the cabinet where he pulled two forks and a big knife from the drawer, waving them in Adam's direction with exasperation.

“I won't let you fight this battle alone, Adam, we'll have to destroy the cake together!”

Adam snorted, for a moment contemplating to throw the cake at Gabriel's head to shut him up but in the end refrained from doing so, it was way too delicious to waste it on shutting Gabriel up.

In the last few weeks Adam and Gabriel grew closer again, trying to figure out how to handle the baby and their responsibilities, much to Dr. Barnes' worry and Adam's growing insecurity. But he liked them spending time together so he never put a stop to it.

What he always claimed what he liked best was Gabriel's ability to cook. The archangel could make the most wonderful meal out of the most meager supplies and he had cooked and baked for Adam frequently in the last weeks. Adam was sure he had gained a few pounds with all the food that Gabriel shoved into him. He didn't really mind.

Though that he liked to be close to Gabriel because of all the amazing food was only half of the truth. Actually he simply liked the archangel's company.

“And because I know that you haven't done anything but study or work in the last days, I brought over a movie. Which we are going to watch now.”

Adam started to protest, he really needed to get that paper done, which had turned out to be a lot more tricky than he had imagined that it would be. But before he could get out more than horrified splutter Gabriel had shoved a chocolate bar into his mouth, which seemed to be his choice method of shutting people up since he did it all the damn time with Adam.

Seriously, Adam had no clue where he got all the chocolate bars and found time to unpack them in exactly the right moment to shut him up with it. It was an art form in itself.

“We are gonna watch this movie, no protests! All work and no fun makes Adam a dull boy. And also possibly crazy. I don't want to have to visit you in the loony bin with our child, where you sit in a padded cell mumbling about the growth rate of cells and blood clots.”

Adam snorted, munching on the chocolate bar. Gabriel did always have the best chocolate so Adam couldn't even really mind that it was used to shut him up. It was about the only time Gabriel was ready so share his sweets.

“I assure you that won't happen. But just to ease your mind I will watch the movie with you.”

He may not have the time but he wanted to just relax and enjoy a movie for a while. And really, he couldn't ignore the wishes of a pregnant man. Or something like that. He was sure if he needed to convince himself or someone else that this had been a good idea he would come up with some kind of excuse.

“How gracious you are, dearest Adam,” Gabriel exclaimed with a mock bow, which was made even more hilarious by his weird porn clothes.

“I really hope my neighbors don't think you are my pimp after seeing you in those clothes,” he complained, only halfheartedly trying to look serious about all of this.

Gabriel spluttered with the righteous indignation only he could pull off, puffing out his chest – which really didn't make it any better – and putting his hands on his hips, which ended with him nearly stabbing himself.

“These clothes are not to be joked about, Adam,” he told him sternly but with the glint of mischief in his eyes that was uniquely Gabriel.

“Okay, okay,” he relented. “I won't ever again joke about your mighty porn clothes.”

Gabriel nodded gravely, the grin that was threatening to creep on his face destroying the solemn expression that he was trying to pull off.

“Good. Come on then. Let's eat this delicious wonder of a cake and watch Princess Bride.”

Adam shrugged and followed Gabriel into the living room with the cake. The angel graciously ignored the fact that Adam had left piles of books strewn all across the floor, table and even the couch. He just put the books down and sprawled out on the couch, barely leaving enough space for Adam.

Kicking against Gabriel's shin had him up and taking the books down from the table where Adam deposited the cake before putting the DVD into the player, turning on the TV and pressing play.

After a small shoving match with Gabriel, he actually managed to squeeze himself onto the couch next to Gabriel. It was surprisingly comfortable.

“I've never seen the movie,” he told Gabriel, who in turn looked at him like he had just grown a second head.

“Well, in that case it's good that I came here and saved you before you succumbed to the terrors of not knowing The Princess Bride.”

Adam just shook his head at Gabriel who made the grave importance of watching that movie look very convincing. Adam wondered how many people Gabriel had tricked with that acting of his.

“I think that means you deserve to share my cake with me,” Adam told him as he grabbed the cake, freeing it from its packaging before setting it down on his lap, handing one fork over to Gabriel and taking the second one for himself.

“Sounds like a deal.” Gabriel practically beamed at him before taking a mouthful of cake. Adam couldn't help but smile back and enjoy the closeness and the really delicious cake. Moments like this were what made life worth living.

Jolting upright Adam realized that it was dark outside. He must have fallen asleep during the movie because the last thing he could remember was them setting out to get into the castle. Someone – _Gabriel_ , his mind supplied – had pulled a blanket over him and had turned off the TV.

He looked around but there was no sign of the archangel anywhere and the house was silent aside from the low whisper of the kitchen radio, which Adam left on at all times.

A soft smile appeared on his face as he saw the note that Gabriel had left him propped against the empty packaging of the cake. Rubbing his eyes he shuffled upright, still clutching the blanket around himself and grabbed the note, holding it close to read it in the dim light that came from the hallway.

_'Hey sleeping beauty._

_I left you the DVD – and don't you dare not to finish it before we see each other the next time – and there is dinner in your oven. I hope you like casserole. And Mousse au Chocolate. It's not poisoned, I promise on the beauty of my porn outfit._

_Sleep well and good luck with your paper._

_:)  
Gabriel' _

For a moment Adam found it hard to push down the fear at the domestic gesture but instead of deciding to throw everything into the garbage like he'd done a few weeks ago out of a mixture of worry, pride and the inability to trust anyone else, he was looking forward to the food.

Getting up from the couch he squashed down the voice in the back of his head that told him not to trust Gabriel because he would get hurt. He knew that but he was so sick of letting the good things in his life get away because they could go wrong.

Taking the still warm food out of the oven Adam got himself a big portion and headed back to the couch to finish the movie while he ate, just like Gabriel had probably intended him to. He wasn't sure if the thought was comforting or frightening.

The anxiety was still there, he was still afraid most of the time and sometimes it took all he had not to succumb to another panic attack. Everything had gotten worse since he had allowed Gabriel to grow closer to him.

But sometimes things just had to get worse before they could get better.

It were days like this that made Adam wish he could get away with killing someone. He really doubted his own ability to keep something like that secret, not to mention that they would find the body in a matter of days.

Maybe when he was a real doctor, he was sure that would help him acquire enough skills to pull off the murder of someone without getting caught. Though he'd still have no clue where to hide the body, the morgue probably wouldn't be a good idea for that either.

So it seemed like Adam would have to accept that murder wasn't an option, as much as he wished it was.

He kicked the door of the staff room closed with a bit too much enthusiasm but thankfully the manager wasn't around to yell at him. Today she had turned to be very fond of yelling, too much for Adam's taste. Senselessly being yelled at had been the last thing he'd need today.

University was giving him a harder time than usual, it seemed like every professor was determined to give them as many assignments as possible. And while most of them weren't even hard they all required a lot of time to do them.

And he would certainly forever hate his chemistry professor for making them do that experiment, he had liked that shirt!

God, he was just so glad to go home and curl up on the couch with some of the stupid movies Gabriel always left for him when he was over. Not to mention that he still had delicious food to reheat.

Though realistically speaking he was probably going to watch bad reality TV and write his papers while drinking more coffee than anyone could consider healthy. 

He grabbed his backpack out of his locker in a bit of a haze, slinging it over his back and grabbed his helmet and his empty bottle of water on the way out. He crammed the bottle into his backpack and put on the helmet, ready to be out of here as fast as humanly possible.

And hopefully without having to talk to his boss again.

At least that wish came true when he walked out of the door and found that she was busy talking to an annoyed customer. Adam really couldn't get himself to feel sorry for her in the slightest. The evil bitch deserved this. At least today, tomorrow she would probably be acceptable again.

Unchaining his bike from the lantern in front of the shop Adam was just really glad that Gabriel had accepted that he didn't really have time to meet with him outside of baby related things at the moment. Adam had found out pretty quick that that didn't stop Gabriel from dropping food off at his house at every chance he got.

Adam also found that he didn't mind that at all.

If it had been any other person who'd have come into his house while he wasn't there, he would have had a complete freak out but the thought of Gabriel caring for him was oddly comforting. Dr. Barnes would have a fit when she found out how much he trusted Gabriel again, in her eyes he wasn't going to be good for him.

Adam had trusted her on everything else in his life since _it_ had happened but he was willing to take that chance when it came to Gabriel.

Swinging onto his bike he set off into the night, hopeful that the ride would calm him down and clear his head. Both Marty and Jane had ended up with food poisoning and he had needed to stay two hours longer. Damn his sense of responsibility – and his need for money.

But at least it meant that the streets were empty, which would probably mean that he might actually might make it home in twenty minutes instead of the thirty it normally took him. Though honestly, there was no reason to hurry anywhere, might he took his time.

Driving though the empty streets calmed him down. It didn't do anything against the weariness that had slowly wormed its way in. He knew he needed a break and was running himself ragged but right now he was just doing what he needed to do.

He could do it, soon the only thing to worry about would be finals and after that he'd finally have a break. He might actually take a week of off work if he could juggle his finances right to enjoy some of the summer.

Yeah, that sounded like a good plan, Adam found he'd really enjoy having a few days off to sort things out around the house and enjoy the sun. Even if it didn't work out, planning it out in his mind was enough to get rid of most of his bad mood.

The weariness was still there and it probably wouldn't go away until, well, ever. It had been there since he had woken up in the hospital the memories of what had happened still wonderfully elusive. Sometimes it was stronger, sometimes it was weaker but it was always there.

Adam slowed down when he entered his street, enjoying the last meters of rolling down the hill towards his home where delicious food was waiting for him and a comfortable couch and later, in a few hours, a warm bed.

He knew that something was wrong the moment he pulled up in front of his house. 

The door was wide open and it was impossible to miss the signs of forced entry.

Like in trance he let his bike clatter to the ground, moving into the house despite the small part of his brain that wasn't drowned in panic insisting that this was a very stupid idea. It didn't stand a chance against the panic and fear which had taken over his mind. He _needed_ to get in there, he _needed_ to know. What exactly he wasn't sure but he couldn't not do it anyway.

He was sure he was shaking but he was strangely detached from himself, unable to really comprehend what was going on around him.

Stumbling inside he stopped in the hallway, starring at the destroyed furniture that was laying in his path. He could feel his breathing speeding up and a small whimper escaped his throat. Immediately he pressed a hand over his mouth. He mustn't make a sound or they would hear him. They would find him and hurt him.

Stumbling forward Adam managed to get over the broken cabinet and into the living room. All his things were strewn around the room. He noticed the TV was missing but he couldn't remember why that was important.

They were here. They would hurt him again.

It was hard to breath, he knew he should calm his racing heart and his burning lungs, some detached part of his brain kept telling him to stay calm, that everything was alright, that they weren't back.

But the voice was a small one in his head and while he wanted to listen to it he found himself unable to stop and do it.

Oh God they would get him. He needed to hide before they could find him and drag him away. He couldn't... not again.

Adam scrambled forward, it was hard to move, he felt like something was holding him back and he was slowly losing control over his limbs.

Another whimper escaped him and he froze. No. They had heard him. They'd come for him. Not again. Not again.

He was running now, though how he had gotten into the hallway he couldn't remember. It was all hidden in the fog, but he knew he needed to hide, needed to make sure they couldn't find him.

When he reached his bedroom he fell over an overturned chair, but he hardly noticed the pain in his wrist. Now he was crawling, the only focus in his mind was to get under the bed. He needed to get under the bed.

Finally, finally he was there. He curled up in the corner, pulling the blankets over himself. They wouldn't find him here, here was safe. The sobs were still coming though he stifled them, shoving his fist into his mouth.

He barely tasted the copper tang of blood where he was biting down too hard. He wanted to throw up, everything in him was clenching up but he knew he couldn't. They would find him if he made so much as a move. They had always found him before, but if he stayed still maybe they wouldn't find him this time.

Please.

He couldn't die. Not now, not again. He was going to have a daughter. He needed to be there for her, he couldn't... couldn't be dead.

His breathing was going so fast, his heart pounding in his chest like it wanted to jump out before they could carve it out of him. He was going to die.

With trembling hands he searched his pockets, finally finding his phone after long, agonizing minutes. It was hard to find the right number, he didn't even know who he was dialing and everything was so out of focus. Maybe they had already got him, maybe they drugged him.

“Adam?”

He looked down on his phone in surprise. It told him in swimming letters that he had called someone. He hurried to press the phone to his ear, fearful that they would hear it.

“Adam? Are you there?”

“Sh,” Adam shushed Gabriel, they needed to be silent, he couldn't be found.

“Adam, are you alright?”

The question stopped Adam dead in his tracks. Alright? He was... no he wasn't... he was until they found him. But they would find him, they had already come for him again. They were supposed to be away, not here, not with him.

“Don't... let them take me again, Gabriel,” he whimpered into the phone, curling further into himself as if that would stop them from getting him or his body from falling apart. “They found me. They were never supposed to find me.”

“Tell me where you are, Adam.”

Gabriel sounded worried. That was good. No it wasn't. Maybe. But if he came here he would be hurt too and Adam couldn't let them hurt his baby. His baby needed to stay safe. And Gabriel too.

“Gabriel,” he sobbed into the phone.

He couldn't tell him where he was but he wanted him to be here so badly. Everything to take away the hurt and the pain and _them_.

But he couldn't. Couldn't tell Gabriel, couldn't kill him.

“Adam. Listen to me. Stay calm. Tell me where you are.”

Gabriel's voice was a distant sound, nearly drowned out by the pounding of his heart and his labored breathing. It was a comforting background sound, Adam was glad he could listen to Gabriel while he waited for them to find him.

“I'm coming over to your house. Don't move.”

“No! Please don't come. They will hurt you. Don't come here. Stay away. Don't.”

“Adam. I'm an archangel, they cannot hurt me.”

After that Adam wasn't aware of much. Gabriel was going to come here, he was going to get hurt. He couldn't let him get hurt but if he moved they would find him and tear him apart inch by inch.

There was the low voice of Gabriel somewhere in the background, drowned out by the blood flowing through his veins, his heart, while too fast, was a reminder that he was still alive.

Panic and fear and worry all mixed into one scary thing that pressed his chest together, and held him to the ground. He needed to move, needed to warn Gabriel but he couldn't. Couldn't move or they would find him. They couldn't find him. 

They couldn't ever find him.

“Adam?”

He flinched, pressing further into the corner and pulling his blankets closer around him. No. Nonononono. Not them. Not...

“Adam. It's me, Gabriel. You're safe now.”

No, if Gabriel stayed, they would hurt him, he needed to... but all of a sudden he was pulled into strong arms. He struggled against the hold, willing his shaking limbs to work so he could get free and run. But the grip didn't relent and everything was somehow wrong.

“Adam, Adam, it's me. I'm Gabriel. You don't need to be afraid of me, love. Just breath with me. Deep breaths.”

Then he smelled it, the smell that had always given him a sense of calm. This was Gabriel, this was really Gabriel. A sob wrung itself from his lips and this time he did nothing to stifle it, simply holding on to the archangel like his life depended on it.

“Sh, Adam, it's gonna be okay. The police will be here any minute. C'mon love, let's wait outside. That's it, one foot in front of the other. You're doing so good.”

After that Adam couldn't remember much, he drifted in and out of consciousness, mind and body shutting down now that he was safe again. As long as Gabriel held him close nothing could happen to him anymore.

“What happened here, Sir?”

“I don't know. He called me and when I came he was hiding and the house was ransacked.”

Adam stiffened, the unfriendly officer frightening him. Maybe he was one of them and was angry he hadn't gotten him.

Gabriel said something to the officer that Adam didn't catch and suddenly soothing hands were carding through his hair. After that he was drifting again.

“They stole a few things but we can't be sure that it was a normal break-in. Given your relationship we can't exclude the possibility of a hate crime from the list of possible motives, after all this isn't really a rich neighborhood.”

Adam breathed in through his nose, his breathing calmer now that he could smell Gabriel, who had always smelled of good food and safety. He listened to Gabriel talk to the officer but all he cared for was the sound of his voice, he didn't want to understand any of their words.

“What do you mean you can't let him come home with me?”

“Mr. Milligan is in shock we can't allow him to head anywhere with someone who has no clear relations to him. We would need his consent and as you can see he isn't able to give it.”

“You are not going to take him away from me. He is my mate.”

Gabriel was angry but at the same time he was holding Adam closer so he felt good, he buried his face in his angel's neck, holding onto him. It was nice here, warm and safe and he wouldn't let the police or them take him away.

And Gabriel had said they were mates. He knew he should care about this but right now it just sounded nice, and safe. He liked it.

“Don't touch him.”

Gabriel's snarl made Adam whimper and cling closer to the archangel. They were here, weren't they? No, they couldn't take him, they couldn't have him. Gabriel had promised him that they would be safe.

“Sh, Adam. It's okay. Calm down.”

Gabriel's voice was soothing and his hand was carding through Adam's hair. It was relaxing but Adam didn't trust it yet, they were here, weren't they?

“It's true, they are mated.”

“Fine. You can go home with him now, come to the police station as soon as he's in his right mind again.”

Later Adam wouldn't be able to recall much of the way to Gabriel's house. He knew that he was moving and that Gabriel was next to him but he wasn't able to rely on any of his other senses. All he was doing was floating in the knowledge that Gabriel was there and taking care of him.

The thing that he would remember was the way Gabriel kept touching him in small, soothing ways while whispering sweet nonsense to him. And though the panic, was still rolling in his stomach and the fear was clawing at his mind, the feeling of safety settled over him like a blanket and pulled him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Adam woke up to someone gently stroking his hair and rubbing his arm. He grumbled, turning away and hiding his face in the pillow. He didn't want to wake up, he was tired and exhausted and whoever was waking him could go away.

 _Whoever was waking him_. All of a sudden Adam sat upright in bed, ready to fight of whoever had managed to get into his house only to be faced with a very concerned looking Gabriel.

What was Gabriel doing in his bedroom? A quick check of his surroundings told him that this certainly wasn't home but it wasn't a foreign place either, he had been here before and it only took him a few minutes of panicked uncertainty to realize that this was _Gabriel's_ bedroom.

Gabriel, who was sitting on the bed next to him, looking concerned and adorable at the same time.

Slowly his breathing slowed down and the shaking that he hadn't even noticed starting, stopped. Being with Gabriel meant he was safe, he didn't need to worry.

“How are you?” Gabriel asked gently, as if he was waiting for Adam to freak out once more, a worry that Adam couldn't even begrudge him.

“I'm.... okay,” Adam decided after a few seconds, resting his head on his knees which were drawn to his chest.

God he was tired, he felt like someone had sucked the life right out of him. It was a common enough feeling. Though this panic attack must have been particularly bad for him to be this drawn.

The memories were looming in the background but Adam ignored them sturdily. Thinking about the things that had made him lose it never helped him pull himself back together and though he knew Gabriel had seen all of it, since he had been the one to bring him home, didn't mean he wanted to have a repeat performance.

“Adam,” Gabriel started but Adam stopped him before he could get any further.

“I need a shower,” he mumbled. 

He hadn't been here for a while but he still knew his way around the spacious flat.

Gabriel looked like he wanted to protest but Adam didn't give him a chance to, slipping out of bed on unsteady legs and hurrying outside as fast as he could without risking to fall over and break his neck.

Thankfully Gabriel didn't follow him.

He locked the bathroom door and stripped out of clothes that weren't his, trying not to think about Gabriel seeing him naked. It was ridiculous that he should care about it all of a sudden, they had had sex after all. But he did.

With a sigh Adam stepped into the shower, turning the water as hot as he could bear. The pressure on his back and shoulders made him feel calmer by the minute, slowly relaxing into the flow of Gabriel's wonderful shower and allowing the memories in, bit by bit.

Not too fast and not too slow. He wished he could've just completely ignored them for the rest of his life but Dr. Barnes had told him time and time again that it would only hurt him in the long run and Adam was tired of his past sneaking up on him to bite him in the ass.

Adam wasn't even aware of the tears falling down his face when he recalled the last night. Parts of it were hazy, others were crystal clear and Adam wasn't sure what he hated more. Not being able to recall what had really happened or being forced to remember as if it was happening again.

He had no clue how long he had stood under the shower until he had come to terms with what had happened last night and the fact that his home was no longer safe. When he stepped out of the shower though his skin was red from all the hot water.

That the police considered a hate crime had him worried but when wasn't he worried? What really stuck in his mind were Gabriel's words and what he had done.

_“You are not going to take him away from me. He is my mate.”_

He took his time with drying himself, trying to figure out if he should let it slide or confront Gabriel with what happened last night. A part of him shouted at him not to say anything, not willing to endanger the good thing they had going.

But he couldn't let it slide, not when it meant not being able to trust Gabriel completely.

He carelessly put on the clothes Gabriel had given him before reluctantly leaving the bathroom in search of his... in search of Gabriel.

Adam found the archangel in the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table that was full to bursting with all sorts of delicious foods and treats. He was sure that the angel had done all of it just for him. Gabriel looked up hopefully when he entered the room, though hopeful for what, Adam didn't know.

“You told them you're my mate. Why?”

He was surprised by the monotony in his voice but he couldn't do anything against the weariness that filled him. The bone deep exhaustion that probably was the only thing that kept him from panicking again.

Adam would've really liked to just sit down and enjoy the food, allow Gabriel to pamper him and recharge his batteries curled up in front of the TV or in bed but he couldn't ignore what had happened between them last night.

Gabriel calling him his mate wasn't the only significant thing that had changed between them. Adam was well aware that him calling Gabriel instead of anyone else and trusting him at a moment in which he was sure that _they_ were back for him meant a lot more than he was willing to admit.

“Because it's the truth,” Gabriel answered, sounding as weary as Adam felt.

“You left me without a word, you hid from me and made sure I had no means of contacting you and you still claim that I'm your mate? Would you've even ever contacted me again if it wasn't for the baby?”

He wanted to sound accusatory, to show Gabriel just how angry he was at him but again it was something that he didn't find the power in him to do. He was pathetic, really.

“I would've. Eventually, I would've.”

Adam hugged his chest, turning away from Gabriel to look out of the window onto the street and the minimal traffic. It was a nice day, the sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It really didn't fit his mood.

“You don't sound very convinced,” he told Gabriel without looking at him.

“Adam....” Gabriel sounded closer than he had been before and instinctively Adam moved away from him, avoiding Gabriel's hand that now only grazed his shoulder.

“Adam,” the angel repeated, sounding hurt but determined and Adam was nearly ready to forgive him just for that. He didn't want Gabriel to hurt because of him, not now.

“Let me show you something?”

For a moment Adam wanted to refuse him just because he could but he nodded, putting his childish urges aside and following Gabriel as he walked down the hall. The angel looked over his shoulder every few steps to see if Adam was still following him.

When Gabriel opened a door Adam was reluctant to follow him in once more, a remnant of last night rearing its ugly head but he took a deep breath and stepped into the room anyway.

Intrigued Adam looked around, wondering what Gabriel wanted to show him that would change anything. Looking around he found a cupboard full of all sorts of medical textbooks taking up the whole left side of the room. There was a desk right in front of the window, with a brand new computer and a model of the heart on it.

On the right side of the room there was what looked like a very comfortable loveseat and a couch with a fitting desk next to a vitrine full of models of different human parts.

But what truly caught his eyes when he observed the room once more was the frame that was standing on the desk. In it was one of the rare pictures that existed of him and Gabriel together. It had been taken at a Christmas party that Gabriel had dragged him to and Adam had been so happy that day.

“What... what's this supposed to tell me?”

He watched Gabriel who was wringing his hands, so far from the confident trickster personality he normally displayed that Adam felt compelled to hug him. But he didn't, instead standing his ground and waiting for an answer.

Gabriel took a deep, heaving breath before flopping down into the loveseat. His hands were clasped in front of him and he was looking at the walls and the books, basically everywhere that wasn't Adam.

“I'm an archangel. You know that. You probably also know that archangels aren't supposed to procreate because our wonky genetics aren't pure enough. Thing is, I'm from a family of archangels and look what happened. A wingless angel, pretty damn useless, don't you think?”

Gabriel scoffed at himself and shook his head.

“I was told my whole life that I could never bond because of my fucked up genes. You have to understand bonding... it's what angels live for. Not that anyone would ever tell that to anyone else but that's it. The most perfect thing that's supposed to happen to you. Of course it's all about pure genes and stuff but bonds... once you're bonded it cannot be undone. I think that's why most angels don't get human relationships. I thought I'd never be able to have that, this perfect other half of me to spend the rest of my life with. Not that bonding can't go wrong but I always preferred to believe that it went right more often than not.

And then there was you and you were so fucking perfect and I fell head over heels and I was fine with just being with you like humans are and then we had sex and I smelled it. I smelled you and us and even though it shouldn't be possible we had bonded and I freaked out.”

Now he was looking at Adam.

“I never thought I even could bond so I wasn't careful and when I realized what was happening I had already forced you into a bond that you didn't know of and that you never had any say in. Bonding is for life and... I know you, Adam. I might not know what happened to you but I know you and I was so afraid that I'd hurt you with this. So I ran. Which was pretty dumb I admit but... yeah. And this... this is your room.”

Gabriel made a sweeping motion with his arms, including the entire room.

“I decorated it while I was working up the courage to talk to you. I was hoping... that you'd, maybe, like to come and live with me. I know it was stupid but... I made this room because I didn't want to be without my mate now that I had one but I was too chicken to tell you.”

Adam snorted and sat down on the couch, deciding that maybe it was time to talk and despite the slightly creepy vibe a completely furnished room gave him he understood the sentiment and never before had Gabriel been so open with him.

“You know this is a tad bit creepy.”

Gabriel smiled sheepishly, shrugging in a way that was so much more innocent than the trickster usually was.

“Yeah I know.”

Adam returned the grin, he was glad that he was so exhausted, forcing himself to take the time to really think about this instead of just freaking out like he'd probably done otherwise.

“Good. As long as you know it.”

Gabriel huffed at that but his smile got more confident and Adam liked that, a lot. He really preferred self-assured Gabriel, even if he was kind of a douche sometimes.

“So... um... what... do you think about it?”

Adam shrugged, smiling sheepishly as he tried to pull his mind out of the stupor that always had him after a panic attack long enough to do Gabriel justice by giving him an honest answer.

“I... don't think I'm fit to be anyone's mate, Gabriel.”

He immediately felt like the worst person in existence when he saw Gabriel's face fall. The angel looked so stricken, like Adam had physically hurt him, and maybe he had, Adam had no idea how bonds worked. But no matter what bonds did or didn't do Adam really didn't want to see Gabriel like that.

“If you don't want to be my mate, that's fine. I'm not gonna lie and tell you that I'm happy but I won't force you into anything, you know that, Adam, right? So just be honest with me, I can handle it.”

Somehow Adam really doubted that Gabriel would be able to handle his rejection well, it had become obvious by the way Gabriel had told him about his craving for a mate that this was something he had longed for all his life.

Still he just didn't think he could ever be someone's mate, that Gabriel seemed to need it so desperately only made it that much clearer that Adam needed to stop this here and now.

“No. Gabriel, you've seen me. And you've only ever seen me at my best. Last night, that's my worst. That's... that could happen again and maybe next time it won't end so well. I'm... I'm not stable. Not really. I'm getting better sure but I doubt I'll be ever really okay again.”

Adam raked a hand through his hair, the other still clutched tight to his stomach. Having to admit to his own defeat didn't do anything to make him feel better. He was just too tired to pretend that he was fine or that he ever would be fine like everyone always expected him to. He had started to doubt that it would ever get better then this and he had started to accept it but that didn't make this any easier.

“Adam, you...”

“No Gabriel, listen to me,” Adam snapped, sudden anger flaring up. Why couldn't anyone see how damn tired he was? “Just... wait a moment.”

For a second he wanted to just tell him but he couldn't, couldn't get his mouth to open. Even Dr. Barnes only knew bits and pieces about what actually happened. He had never gotten himself to fully talk about it. He relived it often enough as night, he was afraid of what would happen to him if he ever actually talked about it.

He wasn't sure if he would get better again.

Instead he stood up and went over to the computer, booting it up in the hope that Gabriel would've had it all set up for him. And this time life made things easy for him. After the amount of time that Gabriel had needed to actually talk to him that really shouldn't be a surprise though.

“What's the password?” he asked when the computer showed him the log in screen.

Turning around to Gabriel Adam waited for an answer only to see the archangel blush like the virgin he probably hadn't been in a very long while.

“It's Kate, like your mom. ” 

Adam smiled sadly before turning around and focusing on the screen once more, after the computer had finally booted completely Adam pulled open Firefox and opened google. It didn't take him long to find the article in the Star Tribune that he had been looking for.

He got up from the chair and indicated to Gabriel that he was supposed to sit an read. For once Gabriel did like he was told.

“

For weeks the serial killer duo, known as the Ghouls had Minnesota holding her breath. But with at least 11 victims dead it seems the nightmare has finally found an end.

Early Sunday morning police officials held a press conference, to inform the public of the arrest of two suspects in the murder case. After the police had been without leads after the last killings the announcement of the arrests were followed by an uproar in media and in public. Even more so when it was later confirmed that the suspects arrested were indeed the two serial killers that had led the police on a goose chase for nearly a year.

Despite heightened security measures the police couldn't prevent the serial killers, whose names are still being withheld, to enter the house of the M. family Saturday night.

Kate M., a 42 year old single mother, was home with her son, Adam, when the perpetrators gained entry to the house.

While Adam managed to escape and alarm the police after hours of torture his mother died before emergency services could arrive.

“If it wasn't for this young man, who found the strength to free himself and run to a neighboring house, despite being severely injured, we wouldn't have been able to make an arrest,” a police spokesman said earlier today and went on to strongly urge the media and the public to “not publish any details about the crime, the identity of the family or any information related to Adam M..”

Given the especially gruesome nature of the crimes the police wants to give Adam M. as much privacy as possible as not to hinder his recovery. In the past the killer duo tortured their victims for hours before murdering them. While most of the police reports are still classified enough has been leaked to the public to know that Adam M. will need all the support he can get on his way to recovery.

We at the Star Tribune share the police's view and will not share any information about the M. family that isn't strictly necessary.

Adam M. is still in a medically induced coma, a donation fund has been set up to help pay for his medical bills.”

Adam hadn't be able to stop himself from reading the newspaper article over Gabriel's shoulder. It was really the nicest one, the one that had the least lies in it and of course not even half of the media had deemed it necessary to be so responsible about reporting the story later when everyone seemed to want more and more juicy details.

It was the article he had shown every friend he had ever told, not that there had been many but still. The article had started to become like a good friend he could trust in, it didn't even hold any terror to him anymore. Not like it had felt when he had searched for something to show to people for the first time.

Gabriel wordlessly closed the window though he kept staring right ahead, not bothering to look at Adam. He prepared himself for the rebuff, for the agreement that yes, he certainly wasn't a suitable mate for anyone.

Maybe he should say something, spare Gabriel actually having to tell him to go away. But no, Adam couldn't crush the hope that maybe Gabriel was different, that maybe he wouldn't say that but instead accept Adam, despite his failures.

“Oh Adam,” Gabriel sighed, turning around and looking at him with sad, distraught eyes. Here it comes....

“They raped me, you know?” Adam told him, wondering a moment later what had driven him to tell Gabriel that particular detail. He had never shared anything about what had happened that night before and it had been good that way. There was no need to give Gabriel any more reason to not want him than there already were.

But instead of disgust he suddenly found himself in Gabriel's arms as the archangel manhandled him onto his lap with ease.

A momentary panic filled him but then he relaxed against the angel's chest, allowing Gabriel to tug him close.

“I want you Adam, just the way you are. We can work through this, I promise. Just give us a chance. I can protect you and I can make sure you don't hurt yourself or anybody else. Please believe me, Adam.”

Adam reached down and pressed a hand to Gabriel's belly, he could already feel the swell and he wondered if their baby had already started to move.

“I'm not sure I can ever really give you what you want, Gabriel. I'm not... I'm not family material, I'm not even sure I should be around the baby.”

“But you are Adam. You're perfect, you're everything I could ever possibly want. Please just... just give us a chance, okay?”

Adam shook his head, it was tempting but what if Gabriel left him or if he ended up hurting him or the baby, he could never forgive himself if that happened. Or maybe Gabriel would simply realize that Adam wasn't the best he could do.

“I can protect you Adam. I'm an archangel, no one is ever going to hurt you as long as I am here.”

Adam snorted, looking at Gabriel disbelievingly. “Gabriel, you're a cook.”

But there was a dangerous glint in the archangel's eyes, one that had Adam gulping and squirming uneasily on Gabriel's lap.

“I wasn't always a cook, Adam. I promise you I can hold my own in a fight, I can protect you. And I won't leave you, you're it for me. My mate, the one and only that will always be mine.”

Gabriel leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Adam's, looking him straight in the eye without blinking in what was frankly a very creepy manner.

“Please, Adam. I love you. Just... we'll work it out. We'll find a way, Adam.”

It was the _I love you_ that broke Adam's defenses. He had tried to be strong but he had done the right thing for so long and been miserable. Being with Gabriel was the happiest he had ever been and if they were heading for a great crash, Adam couldn't care less.

Even if they had to break it off in a few month to protect the baby, Adam would just take what he could get. He was sick of being careful, he just wanted to be happy for a change.

“I love you too.”

  


  


**epilogue**

“Hey, mom.”

Adam knelt down in front of her grave, looking at it for the first time in four years. It was strange to be here again and a part of him wanted to turn around and run away but he knew that nothing would happen because Gabriel was here, watching from a distance.

“It's been a while. I'm sorry it took me so long to come back mom but I had some stuff I needed to work through.”

He put down the flowers he had bought when he and Gabriel had been to visit the town. Their visit had been short, Adam really didn't want to spend any more time there than necessary. The bad memories were stronger than the good ones.

“But I'm better now, mom.” he told his mother's grave with a small smile. “Not good but better. I have... I'm in love, mom. Really in love and I have found someone to spend the rest of my life with. His name's Gabriel, he's an angel. We've bonded.

The bond, it helped to make me better, it stabilized me, or that's what Dr. Barnes and the doctors told me. Whatever it is, I'm happy right now. It's still hard and sometimes... sometimes I'm still in a really bad place but I think it might turn out okay mom.”

He turned to the toddler he was holding in his arms and smiled down at her before kissing her forehead.

“We have a baby now mom, her name is Kali, it was Gabriel's idea. We wanted to name her Kate but... well I think you understand mom. You would've loved her. You should be here to be a proper grandma but I'm sure you're happy wherever you are.”

“I'm living with Gabriel and Kali now. I still have my own place but it's only a small one, just so that I have somewhere to go to when it's really bad. I don't want to hurt Kali.

But mom, I really think things are looking up for me. We're on our way to visit the Winchesters, since they came and contacted me they really made an effort. It's nice. And mom, don't worry about me. It's still hard most of the time but...”

Adam turned around to look at Gabriel who was standing far enough away to give him privacy but also reassure Adam that he wasn't going to disappear anytime soon.

“But I think in the end I might be okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank [scandalbaby](http://scandalbaby.livejournal.com/) and [sailwithoutwind](http://sailwithoutwind.livejournal.com/), the wonderful mods of the AU Big Bang for all their work and their patients. And for letting me hand in a draft that was 1.000 words short. Now see how big this story has gotten :)
> 
> An even bigger THANK YOU! belongs to my beta [casness](http://casness.livejournal.com/) who patiently read through the mess that is my grammar and gave amazing tips. I couldn't have done this without you <3
> 
> And of course I want to thank my artist [selenheart](http://seleneheart.livejournal.com/) for the wonderful art!
> 
> Let's not forget disturbinglynic, ladyknightanka and synnerxx over on Twitter who never failed to encourage me :) And thank you to zekkas for the emergency summary help <3


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